Thursday, February 18, 2016
I have been on a mission the last 3 weeks to walk 10,000 steps a day because I found out I gained 20 pounds since moving back to the East Coast. When I heard the number at the doctor's office, my first reaction was "Oh, hell no!" The nurses teased me and one of them said with snark "Oh yeah, I'm sure you used to be 120 pounds." I sternly answered back, "No, I wasn't but I took care of myself better and now I have to get back to that, because this is not acceptable to me." In that moment, there was a shift in me that resonated, that made me think 'this must be the emotion people feel when they go on a quest."
The emotion I felt was so strong and seemed to bubble from within me with a fire I was not willing to extinguish that the only option was to fulfill it. This wasn't the first time I have felt this emotion. The last time was when I was accepted to acting school. It was as if something was literally grabbing me by my gut and pulling me to do it without thought for ifs, ands and buts.
Each time I am pulled to fulfill what I call "a mission" I am confronted with some of the same lessons over and over. I am still trying to find employment in the entertainment business in the Philly area, and I have had some great leads. In the meantime, I am grateful I have this time to cultivate and strengthen relationships that suffered while I was fulfilling my dream. I am grateful I am present in their lives and they in mine. I think about if I was still in Los Angeles, I would miss out on so much that has happened in the past 5 months that has meant the world to me. I am confronted everyday with minutiae events that bring me a myriad of emotion because I am interacting with the people I care about the most on a daily basis.
My friends and family are in constant contact with me now, which wasn't the case when I lived out West. I would get a text here or there, a phone call once a week or twice a month and sometimes it was only for 5 minutes at a time due to the time difference and life. I am growing as a person everyday because since the close proximity and the strength of my friends, they hold me accountable for the person I say I want to be and the actions that I am putting forth to make it possible and vice versa. I am definitely aware of actions I can take to rise above the flaws of my anger, the words I use to describe myself and my surroundings and to be nice to myself.
I used to run from these experiences because in my young mind I had to do it perfectly and if it wasn't, then I failed. Now, I know that I need to move one step at a time with purpose in the general direction of my intention. I may stray outside the lines and color the sky pink when I am told by society that it should be blue and it is okay as long as it makes me happy and keeps me motivated. I lost sight of the person I wanted to be for a bit as I acclimated myself back into everyone's life. Bonnie asked me recently, "Do you define yourself as a Casting Assistant?" I thought about it and replied, "No, I define myself as a Friend." Wow. I've been looking in the wrong direction for employment. Now, I must figure out how best I can put my strengths to use and move toward my intention to fulfill my purpose here on earth.
First step out the door to 10,000 and many more. Here I go.
With all my love, be safe and take care.