These past few days I have been contemplating what to write. I start out with a few paragraphs and then I delete them because I just hear rambling. Rambling is currently my state of living. Rambling here, rambling there, moving here, moving there without any sort of direction. My heart isn't in any of it and I move so that I get out of this whirlpool I have created at some point. It is temporary I know. I still feel like my heart is in my stomach and that my senses are discombobulated, like when you ride a roller coaster for the first time.
I've had some really awesome things happen recently. I got to see my name on the movie screen when I went to watch THE REVENANT the other week. I've met new people, I've hung out with friends, I've began my blog again, which made me realize this is one of the first times I have made the conscious choice to come back to places, people and activities I had in my life in the past. I don't like repeating myself, but this time I am. The whirlpool is making sense now.
The whirlpool isn't spinning crazy or out of control, it is like a nice leisurely spin in the teacups at Disney World if you don't spin the wheel. I am getting dizzy though and my thoughts are a little fuzzy with disorientation. I feel like I have so many choices at my disposal, that it is too many. Is that normal? Am I being too dramatic? Am I being too general in my needs? Do I have the words to explain what I need to do?
I can feel myself getting comfortable in this whirlpool of possibilities which is not an option because then I am only eating my own tail over and over. I should look for a rock to hold onto so that I can climb out of this metaphorical whirlpool, maybe then I will feel as if I can project what I want downstream. I keep writing because that is what I know what do. It has always been my go to activity to get me from one point to another. It's the rock I always cling to, to ramble away my anxiety and see clearly ahead.
Take care and be safe.
All my love,