Thursday, February 18, 2016
I have been on a mission the last 3 weeks to walk 10,000 steps a day because I found out I gained 20 pounds since moving back to the East Coast. When I heard the number at the doctor's office, my first reaction was "Oh, hell no!" The nurses teased me and one of them said with snark "Oh yeah, I'm sure you used to be 120 pounds." I sternly answered back, "No, I wasn't but I took care of myself better and now I have to get back to that, because this is not acceptable to me." In that moment, there was a shift in me that resonated, that made me think 'this must be the emotion people feel when they go on a quest."
The emotion I felt was so strong and seemed to bubble from within me with a fire I was not willing to extinguish that the only option was to fulfill it. This wasn't the first time I have felt this emotion. The last time was when I was accepted to acting school. It was as if something was literally grabbing me by my gut and pulling me to do it without thought for ifs, ands and buts.
Each time I am pulled to fulfill what I call "a mission" I am confronted with some of the same lessons over and over. I am still trying to find employment in the entertainment business in the Philly area, and I have had some great leads. In the meantime, I am grateful I have this time to cultivate and strengthen relationships that suffered while I was fulfilling my dream. I am grateful I am present in their lives and they in mine. I think about if I was still in Los Angeles, I would miss out on so much that has happened in the past 5 months that has meant the world to me. I am confronted everyday with minutiae events that bring me a myriad of emotion because I am interacting with the people I care about the most on a daily basis.
My friends and family are in constant contact with me now, which wasn't the case when I lived out West. I would get a text here or there, a phone call once a week or twice a month and sometimes it was only for 5 minutes at a time due to the time difference and life. I am growing as a person everyday because since the close proximity and the strength of my friends, they hold me accountable for the person I say I want to be and the actions that I am putting forth to make it possible and vice versa. I am definitely aware of actions I can take to rise above the flaws of my anger, the words I use to describe myself and my surroundings and to be nice to myself.
I used to run from these experiences because in my young mind I had to do it perfectly and if it wasn't, then I failed. Now, I know that I need to move one step at a time with purpose in the general direction of my intention. I may stray outside the lines and color the sky pink when I am told by society that it should be blue and it is okay as long as it makes me happy and keeps me motivated. I lost sight of the person I wanted to be for a bit as I acclimated myself back into everyone's life. Bonnie asked me recently, "Do you define yourself as a Casting Assistant?" I thought about it and replied, "No, I define myself as a Friend." Wow. I've been looking in the wrong direction for employment. Now, I must figure out how best I can put my strengths to use and move toward my intention to fulfill my purpose here on earth.
First step out the door to 10,000 and many more. Here I go.
With all my love, be safe and take care.
Monday, January 25, 2016
These past few days I have been contemplating what to write. I start out with a few paragraphs and then I delete them because I just hear rambling. Rambling is currently my state of living. Rambling here, rambling there, moving here, moving there without any sort of direction. My heart isn't in any of it and I move so that I get out of this whirlpool I have created at some point. It is temporary I know. I still feel like my heart is in my stomach and that my senses are discombobulated, like when you ride a roller coaster for the first time.
I've had some really awesome things happen recently. I got to see my name on the movie screen when I went to watch THE REVENANT the other week. I've met new people, I've hung out with friends, I've began my blog again, which made me realize this is one of the first times I have made the conscious choice to come back to places, people and activities I had in my life in the past. I don't like repeating myself, but this time I am. The whirlpool is making sense now.
The whirlpool isn't spinning crazy or out of control, it is like a nice leisurely spin in the teacups at Disney World if you don't spin the wheel. I am getting dizzy though and my thoughts are a little fuzzy with disorientation. I feel like I have so many choices at my disposal, that it is too many. Is that normal? Am I being too dramatic? Am I being too general in my needs? Do I have the words to explain what I need to do?
I can feel myself getting comfortable in this whirlpool of possibilities which is not an option because then I am only eating my own tail over and over. I should look for a rock to hold onto so that I can climb out of this metaphorical whirlpool, maybe then I will feel as if I can project what I want downstream. I keep writing because that is what I know what do. It has always been my go to activity to get me from one point to another. It's the rock I always cling to, to ramble away my anxiety and see clearly ahead.
Take care and be safe.
All my love,
Thursday, January 21, 2016
I hear a drumming in my ears that makes me feel the energy around me. My body is alive. My nose smells an acute smell of unidentifiable origins. My body feels as if it is smeared with Ben-Gay, because all I feel is tingly.
I have been on a search for something. What it is, I don't know. I walk, sometimes I run, but most of the time, I lay still. I go through my day and night without any thought, but when I am asleep I travel to worlds unimaginable to my naked eye. I know things that aren't possible in the world I live in. I am propelled through mazes and riddles with a keen sense of awareness. I long for the one answer that alludes me in both worlds. Peace.
My knowledge is useful. My manners are polite. My body is breaking down slowly and I repair it with a sort of metaphorical duct tape. I am surrounded by family and friends and it isn't enough. Something is missing, a sense of peace is hiding away somewhere I do not know. I long for it.
As I grow older, I become more anxious for the answer. My thoughts are more cryptic and soulless. I have lost my light. It is has if I am a dim switch on a dining room wall, that gradually gets lowered, and I wonder when the day will come that I am turned off. I long for the days when things were hopeful and exciting. My dreams get me back to that place. Those are the times I feel I am closest to finding the answer I seek. We are so close, as children, to the truth of life that we have to lose it to remember it. By the time, we do, 80 years have passed. There is a poetry to that. A simple beautiful poetry. Or a infuriating, awful lie. I choose to believe the simple, beautiful truth, for the sake of my soul.
Take care and be safe.
All my love,
Saturday, January 16, 2016
As some of you know I moved back East to the Philadelphia area to be closer to friends and family. I've decided to re-start this blog because I realized I truly missed it and it brought me fulfillment. Plus, two good friends mentioned it within 24 hours of each other, which makes me think that the Universe is guiding me to do it.
My life in Southern California was wonderful, with many opportunities I never imagined for myself coming to fruition. I had moved to California to pursue my dream of being a television actor and on my journey I became a Casting Assistant for Film and Television. It brought me to many different locations, meeting interesting, amazing people and working in the industry I always dreamed of, but I felt very lonely. The ache of not being around the people who had always been there for me was something I couldn't have fathomed before the move.
I was sure that the pursuit of my dream would fulfill the hole I had in my heart and it did for a while. I was part of the Knightsbridge Theatre where I met some of the funniest, hard working people in the industry. I was going on auditions at least once a month which was a win for me. Then I received the serendipitous opportunity to work in Casting. I enjoyed being in Casting and I was good at it, but over time the hours and big projects kept me from taking auditions. I also wasn't good at budgeting my time so that I could talk to all my family and friends out East. My thoughts became very self absorbed, angry and unhappy. How could that be? I was living the dream, right? Yes. Yes I was. It wasn't enough.
I yearned to be around my brother and sister, hanging out like we do. I yearned to live close enough to Tim, Caitlin, Jason and Megan so that we could drive to each other. I yearned to see Bonnie. I yearned to see her daughter Jolee grow up. I yearned to go out on the town in NYC with Kimmie and Jen eating our fill of delicious food and going to a show. I yearned for the camaraderie of hanging out with my college besties Heather and Annie, laughing and talking. I yearned for tea time with Valerie. I yearned for homemade dessert with Barb and Jim. I yearned most of all for the comfort and love that I get from all of them. I didn't make the decision lightly, because I felt guilty leaving my Mom, Dad, Aunt, cousins, friends and colleagues I had grown close to while living there because they brought me such joy, laughter, aggravation and most of all love.
I have been back for 4 months now and I am trying to find my feet in this market. The opportunities for entertainment jobs aren't as fruitful as NY or L.A., but they are here. I am slowly meeting more and more people here and trying to figure out where I belong. As I move through the uncertainty I have a phenomenally strong circle of friends that I see regularly and keep me sane. This has been the best transition so far, because I literally feel as if my heart is singing. I am surrounded with so much love and humor I feel very grateful for my life, because I truly feel I am home.