Saturday, January 5, 2013

Earth Angels

Hi Everyone,

The circle of life has become strongly evident in the past 3 days and it is reminding me of how short life is.  I have never been afraid of death.  I actually look forward to it, in a excited, don't know what to expect, but it must be awesome, kind of way.  Since I was a child, I've identified with angels and guardian angels.  It gives me a sense of peace knowing I have these celestial beings looking out for me.

I have had this story in my head for the past six months, that I began writing down, but then stopped out of fear of manifesting something I am not ready to deal with yet, in real life.  I realize as I am writing, that I am trying to convey how much I love my family.  I want to have something tangible that all of them can see and hold in their hands.  I want them to be proud of me.  No, that isn't true, I know they are proud of me.  I want them to know I am proud of them.  That the little nuclear family of five I am a part of, makes me so happy.  One of my favorite memories, growing up was when all five of us sat in the den and read parts of the Sunday paper together.  Some mornings, all one heard was the turning of newspaper pages, or Dad sipping his coffee, or one of us rocking in the swivel chair.  Other times, one would hear a discussion on articles we read, or a comic we laughed at, or what we planned on doing that day.

These past few days I have had co-workers and friends have parents pass, or their spouse suffer a stroke, or someone is in an accident and I am reminded that each day I wake up, is a miracle.  I've been very emotional over how fortunate I have been in my life and I am very grateful.  I always wonder how I got to this point.  What happened in my life to get me to this moment in my life?  What choices have  I made to be the person I am today?  It all begins with my family.

I will always be grateful to my Mom for teaching me to read, giving me a diary when I was 7 and teaching me to try everything.  I will always be grateful to my Dad for making me laugh, introducing me to the joys of movies and television, and the importance of silence.  I will always be grateful to my brother for his easiness with people, for always pushing me when I am about to quit and teaching me the truth of "if there is a will, there is a way".  I am grateful to my sister for teaching me the importance of an open heart, the strength in showing your feelings and her loyalty to her family.  I am very grateful to all of them for giving me the independence to travel the world and make my decisions and mistakes on my own.  Every time I have travelled on my own, the first thing out of my mouth to someone, is a story of my family.  They are always in my heart, even when it seems I am running away from them to go on my adventures.

My words are getting stuck and I am at a loss for words on what they mean to me and how proud I am of them.  My family is what I always come back to, they are me and I am them.  They are my angels, here on Earth, and I am so grateful!

Friday, January 4, 2013

Paying It Forward

Hi Everyone,

Yesterday, I saw a fantastic status on my Facebook from a friend that said the first 5 people to comment on her status would get a surprise gift from her in the year 2013.  I didn't make it in time, but I liked the idea so much, that I copied it.  As some of you know I work in customer service for a psychic company.  I initially took the job for the health benefits and then I was going to move on, but that is easier said than done.  Unfortunately, life hasn't gone as smoothly as I pictured in my head.  So, with the continuation of a job I don't care for, I am again repeating a lesson that I guess I haven't learned over the years.  When I feel like I am trapped, I turn off.  I become angry and unhappy and just plain miserable.  I told myself when I became aware of my thoughts going back to anger and unhappiness, I was going to do everything in my power to do the opposite.

I will say, that I am doing better than I did in past jobs, but my negative thoughts are getting in the way of me giving a crap about others and myself.  I have stopped eating.  I have stopped keeping my room the way I like it.  I have stopped writing.  I have stopped creating every day.  So to nip this self destruction in the bud, I am sitting down and making myself write.  I am making myself organize.  I am making myself do something for others.  It feels phenomenal!!!!

I am still curt and frank with the customers at work.  I realize others don't like the gruffness of honesty which I appreciate.  I love when people get to the point and ask what they want.  I love when people take responsibility for their part in their life.  That is what I am trying to do.  Take responsibility, do things that are positive, and be honest with myself.  It is not an easy road, but it is moving forward.  The  best way to move forward is to pay it forward and I haven't been this excited to do something for others, since getting in the Peace Corps.

As I get older, I realize, it really is about the small things.  It is about reaching out and knowing you have a connection with someone.  Yesterday, at work I tried to connect with the customers.  It worked for some and others it failed miserably, but today is a new day.  If I am going to learn this lesson of finding the silver lining within any circumstance I have to be aware that every day is a new opportunity.    A new opportunity to be the person I always imagined.  A new opportunity to give myself a chance.  A new opportunity to learn.  A new opportunity to be a better person than I was yesterday.  By paying it forward I am giving myself the opportunity to have a connection, which is what all of us want in the end, to know we are being heard.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Having Faith

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

A new year always brings reflection of what and how things come to pass and the end of 2012 was no different.  Reflecting over the gifts and lessons I was presented with this past year, gave me a newfound appreciation for faith and letting go.  For most of my life, I didn't understand faith or how someone could say, "Have faith".  Those words didn't resonate or make sense to me.  I was taught that God was this wondrous, all knowing being of immense power.  I always loved God, but also feared him.  Since I came back from the Peace Corps I was put on a spiritual journey I didn't always understand or want to understand.  What I did understand was that the person I was before the Peace Corps was not the person I was after the Peace Corps.  It was an ultimate test that has influenced my life.  My experience made me aware that I was seeing my glass as half empty instead of half full.  I didn't take responsibility for my part in events that changed my life.  I was blaming everyone else.

In the 13 years since that time in my life, I have been on a quest, that has changed the alchemy of my soul.  I read Paulo Coehlo's "The Alchemist" while in the Peace Corps and I remember distinctly wanting to throw the book across the room of the Mopti Stage House in Mali after I had finished it.  I was frustrated that I didn't get any concrete answers of why I was there in Mali, or any ideas on how to deal with my isolation, depression, and bad health.  A few weeks later, I was back home and the story wouldn't leave me.  It kept repeating phrases and scenarios in my mind that wouldn't leave.  Six months later, I reread "The Alchemist" and wept at the beauty of all the trials and tribulations Santiago went through to find his worldly treasure.  The story became my touchstone, to change my life, to give myself meaning in what I was doing.  It made me understand that the most trying events in your life are the biggest gifts, because they make you aware of something you didn't see before or give yourself credit for.

I always see my life as a map.  That is what I identify with, a journey.  A map full of adventures and challenges that make me excited.  This past year, I have been given opportunities and met people that have made me open my eyes wider and marvel at the beauty of letting go.  I've been introduced to Dr. Wayne Dyer for the umpteenth time in the past 13 years, but this year his message stuck.  He and many other spiritual teachers talk of how God and us are One.  We aren't separate.  We are One of the same.  I have never felt closer to God since listening to Dr. Dyer's CDs.  I am still on the path of fully accepting that we as beings are One with God.  I am being given little gifts here and there that make me believe that I must have faith in God and he will provide, because he has and it makes me so grateful!

I still have lessons on judgement to work through because if we are One I have no room to judge anyone.  That I know is my ego and I have a date with Eckhart Tolle for that.  I know I have dreams of being a television actor and a writer of books, because I feel that is my avenue for my voice to be heard.      If I put my life into perspective, me, writing this blog is already filling my soul because I am fulfilling my dream of writing.  I have to have faith that I am doing exactly what I have been meant to do, my whole life.  Of course, I would like a family of my own, and if I look at my life as it is, I do have a family of my own, that comprises of my actual family and a core group of friends that I am so grateful for and can't imagine being without them.   I have to remind myself often that it isn't about the dream but about the journey, that got me here.  My journey is the meaning behind the dream.  The more I take stock of the person I want to be, how I am working to get there and stop to appreciate the little gifts along the way, the dream will appear as if out of thin air.  It is all about perspective.  I will always be eternally grateful for my Peace Corps experience because it taught me to be happier, to see things from all sides, to take responsibility and if I have faith, God will provide.

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The Alchemist