Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Eeyore vs Tigger

Hi Everyone,

In the three weeks since I last posted my life has again changed in ways I didn't expect.  I got a job.  Not the restaurant job I had, I gave my notice on that one, but a real life, health insurance, 2 weeks vacation, 2 fifteen minute breaks with a half hour lunch job.  I know what you are thinking, I'm thinking the same thing, "Didn't I do this before?  Didn't I feel as if my soul was being sucked out of me? Didn't I say I would never do this again?"  The answer is Yes,Yes, and Yes.  My job is a customer service rep for a psychic hotline.  It isn't your Psychic Chloe hotline either.  These psychics are legit.  I have had readings with many of them in the 2 weeks of training they put us through before we got on the phone.  I have had 20 readings and 7 of them said eerily the same thing.  I am hoping to God that what was said isn't an evil trick.

I have been on the phones for 4 shifts now and I get myself into an anxiety fit before I have to go to work because I can't help but remember how awful my time at MBNA was in the end.  In my need to not repeat the negative experience of my past, I am unintentionally making myself sick with worry that it is going to be the same experience.  I know it isn't rational thinking.  I know that on my days off I can't enjoy the day because I am thinking, "I have to go to work in two more days!" and I am making myself miserable.

Granted, I am an actor, so most of my co-workers don't know that I think these things, because I fake it until I make it.  Tonight is my last day until I am back on the phones tomorrow and I drove to the beach to try and clear my head.  I read a wonderful quote by Harrison Ford yesterday that said, "We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance."  When I read that quote, I said aloud, "This new customer service job is my chance to make my past negative experience a positive one!"  For the past 24 hours I have been fighting my inner voice that wants to hang on to negativity.  The beach, especially at night time reminds me that there is a bigger world out there and there is an order to it, that I do not see.  Working for this psychic company has been an eye opener to the realm of possibilities out there that I don't even realize are on their way to me.

It has been a rough few weeks and I exhaust myself with the stress I am putting on myself.  I want to learn from my fear and learn how to harness it, so that I am a successful productive, happy person, instead of this wound up, tense, unhappy person that is making my life difficult.  My shoulders can't handle the stress much longer.

In other news, my web series has hit a snag.  I wrote the co lead character for a friend of mine, who would have also directed the series, but life intervened and he moved back to Florida.  I was bummed to hear the news, but I wasn't surprised, because he was honest from the get go about how he was unhappy in L.A., but that is the nature of the beast in this industry.  I am learning more and more, that I am involved with more projects that don't get made than projects that do.  That is the way the business works.  What surprised me though, was my utter lack of disappointment that my web series isn't pushing forward in the way that I hoped.  It is like I lost all excitement for it before it even began, which is a shame since I do believe I wrote a really funny series that I know would be fun to make.

I feel as if I am Eeyore in this post..."Nobody... likes... me...that's O...K" which is strange for me, because I always picture myself as a Tigger and I am not sure how to get back to jumping up and down and Woo-hooing.  I think I will watch some game show bloopers or Japanese Human Tetris game show clips on Youtube or repeat episodes of New Girl to get my mojo back.  I am starting to feel better thinking about it :)

Until next time.

All my love,

Tara

Hope you enjoy the following clips: