Friday, December 2, 2011

I Hope the Words Come to Me

Hi Everyone,

Oh, blog how I have missed you!  In the past year since I stopped posting everyday I have become complacent in my writing.  I don't see that as a bad thing, sometimes I burn myself out, but then it is times like these that I feel the need to get back into writing everyday because it has always been a part of who I am.  If you look in my closet there are notebooks, diaries, folders filled with paper covered in words.  Some of those words tell a story, some of those words make no sense to a stranger, and some of those words are my soul making itself heard.  My life from my first diary entry, when I was seven,  dated May 20, 1984, said it all, "Today I made my first holy communion.  I looked like a bride.  It was a good day.  I will write tomorrow.  Tara"  For the first few years of those diary entries, I wrote them as letters.  The next entry is still one of my favorites.  It is a story in which I write a letter home because I am at summer camp and my brother gets kidnapped and I figure out how he was kidnapped.  It isn't a very exciting entry, but my brother was "brave and horoic" and I "kept my cool and knew exactly how to save him".  I have no idea how I saved him, or how to spell heroic, but I filled a full page with words that excited me for a moment and made me feel as if I had a purpose.

Words, stories, history, life experiences have always excited me.  I always want to know how someone got to be who they are, by their experiences.  I like to hear the words they choose to describe themselves and the stories that they feel define the person they are.  I know that is my favorite part about being an actor, figuring out how this character became this person.  What is it that makes them who they are?  How does a character describe themselves?  Over the decades I have changed my description of myself, but one word has never changed and that is hopeful!  It may be naivete or delusion this hope I hold onto, but I firmly believe that life can't always be as disappointing as it is.  There has to be something better, if not for me, for someone else.  I have to believe that dreams come true, or I wouldn't be where I am.  I have to believe that I have a shot at being the "Tara" I write about.  Maybe if I keep writing about this "Tara" I envision she will become real.  A lot of people call me romantic or in my own little world.  I write because I have to, it calms me, it puts everything into perspective, it heals me, it lifts me up.  I write for the pure joy of it, even when I am pulling out my hair trying to figure out the word that would best describe something.

Is this my true purpose?  To write?  I don't want to commit to that possibility.  It scares me.  I don't feel as if I could be as creative as some of the greats out there.  Maybe books aren't my forte.  Maybe I can do human interest pieces on strangers, but how does one go about such a thing?  How does an idea take flight and become something totally unexpected and fruitful? This is where my feelings of hope pop up.    I am not one to force things to happen, I feel as if I lose something of myself when I do that.  I have learned to do things that feel right for me, that just because I want something badly doesn't mean that I will do anything to get it.  I like my dignity.  When I write I don't expect anything to come of it.  When I do put the pressure on myself to write a script or a play I dry up quickly.  I have to psych myself out and tell myself that nothing will come of it and then all of a sudden I have ideas flowing and my fingers hurt from typing.  It is a very strange game I play with myself, but it works.

So with a little trepidation I have decided to write everyday again on this blog.  I don't know what will come out of it, but I hope that you will follow me on my journey and enjoy the crazy that sometimes comes out of me.  It should be an interesting ride that I HOPE is everything I've imagined.

All my love,

Tara

2 comments:

  1. You said it all. Go for it! It is always a joy for me to read your words! Raven

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  2. Thank You Raven!!! Has it by any chance inspired you to begin writing again on your blog? :) The feeling is mutual...

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