It has been a loooong time since I have written anything of late. And lately, I have been missing the daily routine of writing. Have you ever felt as if your life is changing before your eyes, but it is so minute that you can't catch what it is that is changing within yourself to accept the life changes? I am going through this phase as we speak. It is hell, to be honest. I am working 6-7 days a week, I haven't found a new roommate yet, so I have those financial worries everyone has at the moment, because of said roommate situation, I am unable to audition for any theatre productions and I don't want to spend money on classes and the like until I find a new roommate. I am also fighting within myself because one of my dearest friends is having her first baby at 37. I find that whenever one of my closest friends has a baby I have to work hard within myself to not let my envy and jealousy take a hold of my heart. PHEW!
That said, I feel this infinite hope within myself that my day is coming REALLY soon. This past week I played a game with myself to see what would happen. I have been pretty miserable at work because I haven't really made time for myself and I don't like when I am miserable at work, because everyone notices and I know that I am not myself. So this past week, I listed all the lessons my parents taught me as a child that they drilled in our heads and I am very embarrassed to say, I haven't been following to see if maybe something will change. This is the list I made up:
Rich and Martha's Life Lessons
1. Always smile even if you don't feel like it, it will make you feel better.
2. Always stick up for yourself. Do it politely.
3. Never say hate, there is no room in your heart for hate, maybe dislike.
4. Get over it.
5. Say good morning to everyone and be polite, you never know when you might need their help.
6. Say Thank you and Your welcome. It goes a long way.
7. Laugh at yourself, it's worth it.
8. Be silly.
9. Respect your elders.
I will be the first to tell you that, I had to remind myself everytime I went to a table to be sure to say, "Hi. How are you?" and smile. It was difficult at times, but I smiled through it. I also learned that I let a lot of people get away with saying biting remarks to me that eat away at me during the shift. It was a revelation to me honestly. I hadn't noticed how I let people take from me and I don't stick up for myself. I did this past week. And by doing so, I politely told the man I didn't appreciate the tone he took with me and his friends applauded. I then found out that the group of friends have talked to him about the way he treats restaurant staff and I was the first person to say anything to him. They came in two days in a row after that and requested me. I also met a wonderful Scottish man, Stuart who introduced me to a bunch of people in the business because he took a liking to me. He thought I should know some more people. These little moments have been a savior. Personally, I am feeling really insecure about my acting. I haven't been on stage since March and I haven't taken a semester long acting class in a year. I feel as if my acting muscle is weakening and it scares me.
It also scares me that last month I had commercial auditions for 3 weeks and I didn't get a callback or book it, so now since I haven't had an audition in a month, I feel as if I might never get another audition. But I still hope. I still long for the dream to come true. I am turning 35 in 30 days and I am trying to come to grips that I have let my life get away from me. I am not sure how. Everything I envisioned as a child, has not come true...yet. I always envisioned being married, with kids that are my own and adopted. I always envisioned having an acting and writing career that was successful and fulfilling. I always envisioned myself being true to myself and feeling full, living near my family. In reality, I am a struggling actor, like 90% of all actors. I write constantly, but have made no money off of it. I date, but haven't had a meaningful relationship ever. I work at a job that makes the ends meet which I am grateful for, but it is a struggle to find the meaning in it sometimes.
I was given a second chance to be an actor 10 years after I had given up on the dream and I've been wondering a LOT lately, why was I given that second chance? Why am I not further in my career? What didn't I see or do? Why am I still struggling? I try and go through my life and the events that have shaped it and I can't find a common thread yet. I've been reading the book, The Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. It is a scientific look at the stories of successful people. For example, The Beatles, wouldn't have been the Beatles if a Hamburg, Germany promoter traveling to London looking for bands to play in Hamburg clubs to entice more people in, didn't meet a man from Liverpool who convinced the German promoter to take bands from Liverpool instead. Because of that coincidence, the Beatles learned how to play a crowd 7 days a week 8-9 hours a day for two years which equaled 10000 hours. Gladwell says it takes someone 10000 hours to become great at something. This book has made me a little depressed just because of the coincidences that have happened in Bill Gates, The Beatles, Mozart, Steve Jobs, etc lives that made them able to do what they love and build on that skill to become the people they are. But after I read those stories, I feel an huge spark in my soul that tells me not to give up!!!! That if I keep going my dreams will come true! I seem so close to my destination, but I haven't gotten over the hill that lets me see my dreamscape. I just have to keep going and find the little light within myself that believes that everything I am doing and have done was meant to be and has to be so that when it all comes together I am ready!
Until next time...
All my love,