As the people closest to me know I have an awful temper and it doesn't show very much, but when it does I am my worst enemy. Lately, I could feel it about to blow and the littlest things were setting me off toward the big explosion. It came today.
I hate when it happens. I always feel enormously guilty about the things I say that are so hard to take back and act as if they weren't said, especially to the person it happens to. I also don't like that when I am hurt I act like a petulant child. It ends up that I hurt myself the most in all of the equations, but I still don't change the way I express it. I've been doing it since I was two. My parents just say that I use more grown up words now than when I was two.
Thank God I have my sister who is able to listen and not judge and let me cry out all my frustration and hurt. Because that is where all the anger stems from. Usually after I vent I am able to let it go, but I find as I get older it is harder to forgive myself.
It was actually great that I had class today, because I could focus on something that had nothing to do with my self evaluation and self guilt. I always use my Catholic upbringing as an excuse for my self guilt, but I am sure if I was an atheist I would still feel that way. It aggravates me that I have such a strong sense of right and wrong, that I am not able to act nonchalant with myself . My life would be a lot easier that way. I take that back, I actually like that I have a strong sense of right and wrong. I might feel guilty when I do something ugly, but it also gives me confidence in myself when I know I am doing what is right for others and myself.
Until tomorrow. Take care and be safe.
All my love,