Thursday, September 23, 2010

Taking Back My Life

Hi Everyone,

I have been moping around the house all day.  I have eaten my weight in food and I am very emotional today.  I would like to blame it on my female hormones, but I do have that overwhelming fear that my emotional state is going in its cycle.  Because I deal with depression and don't take drugs for it, I know I have a cycle that I go in.  Since I went vegan I have felt extremely more clear headed and optimistic, but in just 24 hours I have gone from really good, to really bummed.

I purposely went for a walk today to get out of the house and clear my head, but the little devil on my shoulder seemed to hang around like a leech today.  No matter what I did to try and bring my mood up I had awful thoughts running through my head putting me down and making me feel awful.

I am grateful I am aware of what is going on and trying my hardest to alleviate the negativity, but it is a lot of hard work and I am exhausted.  I am looking forward to going to work and the theatre tomorrow night, just so that I have something else to focus on except myself.  Because depression is a very selfish disease and it preoccupies me to see nothing else around me.  I am always afraid of the darkness and I get angry that I have to fight with myself alone.  I'm tired of being alone and beating myself up over it.  Just by writing about my fears and frustrations has helped in a way.  I am so grateful for the ability to write because I don't know what kind of person I would be without it.  Writing has healed me in ways no person or medication can ever heal me.

I know that in the last few weeks my life has changed in such a positive way that my mind automatically asks, "When is the speeding train coming to take it away?"  I am so excited about all the opportunities coming my way that I am afraid that it is all a hoax.  It is too good to be true.  Of course after I think that, I try and change my thought patterns to say, "I deserve this!  I've worked hard for this!"  I do change my pattern, just not with as much oomph as yesterday.

At first, this post was my thoughts written on a page, but now as the minutes and words have passed by I feel as if this post is the moment of truth, that maybe I haven't been able to come to terms with.  I have always been vocal about having depression, but I don't think  I have been honest with myself fully on just how debilitating it has been in my life.  It has taken me out of the game for huge chunks of my adult life and has made me stall in my growth as an adult.  This "cycle" I keep talking about is about to stop because I want my life that I am building here.  I don't want to be a victim anymore, I want to be proud of myself for all that I have accomplished and embrace the opportunities as gifts instead of as something temporary that won't last.  I deserve it!!

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

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