Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Epiphany In the Car

Hello Everyone,

I had my first class with Brad Garrett tonight and so far so good.  He is a very giving teacher, with great suggestions and examples of what to do and not to do.  I had to do a scene from Mad About You where I played Jaime's sister, Lisa.  Brad commented that he knew right away that Jaime was the perfect sister from my point of view.  I have to practice pacing and making my choices more important.  Even though he knew that Jaime was the perfect sister from my point of view, I had to make her the perfect sister.  I had to make it bigger, more important so that when the focus of the conversation went from Jaime to Lisa it was a big deal and I would get a laugh.

I hadn't been in an acting class in 9 months and I was so excited to get back into it.  I was watching a lot of the actors, who some of them are actors I have seen in television and film before and I always feel as if I learn the most, by watching other actors.  Some actors are a joy to watch and then other actors I can't watch.  There are actors who are so in their head about if it will be funny or if they look good that I can't watch them.  I try, but then I find myself cringing.  "Vulnerability is the key to booking the job" - Brad Garrett.  I couldn't agree more.  I am sure that I am as guilty as the actors I can't watch and I am sure that some people can't watch me, but that phrase stuck with me.  So I have decided to get back into my meditation exercises on a more regular basis.

Last year, I was meditating every day and I felt off if I didn't meditate.  I liked giving myself that 20 minutes to relax and be still and I find that I need to get back into the practice if I want to be a more vulnerable actor.  Things are good.  I am working on keeping the goodness alive in my daily life.  As I was driving to class tonight, I was so nervous, I was sweating profusely, so I a made myself take a few deep breaths and acknowledge the anxiety.  I had an epiphany.  The fear I was feeling in the car was one of those sink or swim fears.  That if tonight didn't go well, then I would be back to square one, but then I realized that isn't true, because the fear is just letting me know that what I am doing for myself is one step in the right direction.  I am vaguely aware of fear that is based in fear of success and fear that is based in fear of destruction.  I knew that this class, no matter how it went was a learning experience and I am so grateful for it.   We all have those gut instincts that let us know when we are in danger and when we are doing something positive.  Positivity is where the excitement comes from.  I know years ago, I wouldn't have let the excitement get to me, I would have pushed it down and played it off as some childish dream that was unattainable.  Now, I am so grateful that I am so nervous that I have to take deep breaths to calm myself, because I can't imagine where I would be if I stuck it out in Delaware and was the model American we are all supposed to want to attain to.  It's not who I am.  I can't go down that path, I am not made that way.  I need to feel that nervousness to feel closer to being whole.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

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