Sunday, August 1, 2010

Thinking Bigger

Hi Everyone,

I have to write this a little bit earlier than I usually do because I won't be around a computer tonight and this blog has definitely become an addiction.  This morning was very strange for me.  Has anyone out there ever woken up and knew it was going to be a heavily busy thinking day?

For example, as I was waking up, the first thing I said to myself this morning was, "I wonder if there is anything out there for me that is bigger than this?"  What I meant, when I asked this question of myself was is my life always going to be this?  Wondering if there is anything bigger.  Am I always going to have that thought process?  So that question turned into other questions I ponder away at time after time.  I am not always thinking.  It seems as if my ego sometimes needs to be heard over everything else and make me question my circumstances.  Funny thing about the ego, is it repeats the same questions over and over.

I distinctly remember as a child, thinking I was going to do something BIG in this world.  I didn't know what, but I was confident in my thoughts of it.  Then as I turned into a teenager, I knew I would do BIGGER things then everyone else around me, in a very cocky, self assured way.  Then I went into the Peace Corps and it knocked me down cold and I was a dog with my tail between my legs.  Gone was the confidence of bigger things, gone was the certainty of greatness, gone were the thoughts of success.

Now, ten years later, I have grown sure of myself again, but now with wisdom behind that sureness.  Every once in a while, like this morning, I have lapses into who I used to be.  I long to be that 5 year old girl who was sure that life was fantastic doing everything and anything and knowing I had millions of possibilities ahead of me.  I think that is why I love watching young children now, because they do have so much wonder and confidence that life will be great, being either a garbage man, a bus driver or a dog.  They don't care, because for a few moments they are all of those things in their imaginations and it is real.  Is there truly anything bigger than that?

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

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