Monday, July 12, 2010

Questions Answered

Hi Everyone,

So I found out today that Vinny's will be closing on August 7th.  So I have about 3 weeks to find another job or something until I know what is going on.  I know that Alex is looking for another location in the Westwood area, which is right down the block from me.  Just because he is looking doesn't mean I would have a job lined up in the next few months.  I also don't know if I am expected to work for Rock N Brews when it reopens in early September.  No one is having meetings, I am learning all of this through eavesdropping on managers and the customers.

This way of having the customers know before I officially do really irks me.  I can give all different excuses, but maybe it was good that I am learning this now instead of 5 years from now.  I have been able to save my money so that I should have 2 months of bills saved by the end of this week.  So by August 7th I might be able to have half of the third month saved, too.  Tomorrow I am off, so I am on the search for a better, more stable job.  I am looking into 24 hour fitness.  I hope that I am able to get it so that I can have free membership and health benefits.

I walked to Barnes and Noble today after work and found a book titled, Lonely, A Memoir by Emily White.  I started reading because I am well aware of the loneliness I am feeling in Los Angeles.  I think most of my life has been full of loneliness, that I confused with solitude.  I am sure that what I say is depression is really loneliness in its most heaviest form.  I will be the first person to admit that as a child, teen and adult I always did things by myself, or felt isolated from others.  I seriously, believe that it is a part of who I am.  I identify with being alone.  My sister identifies with being sweet.  I remember my mom would go to work, my brother and sister would go out to play and I would stay in the house and read Laura Ingalls Wilder books, or the Sweet Valley High books.  I've become so accustomed and ashamed of my loneliness now that I have it staring me straight in the face, that I wonder if I will ever get over it.

As I was reading, Emily White, explains that she had a similar childhood to mine, where she was alone most of the time, or sought out being alone, because that was all she knew.  It wasn't a conscious choice, but a habitual choice.  She has many loyal and close friends, but she is the only one without a husband, boyfriend or children.  She explains that she  had an urge to move to remote places, away from her loved ones, away from her loneliness.  I have felt that my whole life.  Ever since I was in college, I have never lived in one apartment for more than 2 years.  I start to get antsy and am sure that the new place will be different from where I am now, but I know deep down it isn't the truth.  Reading this book, has been wrenchingly difficult and also a joy because now I understand I am not the only one who is dealing with this affliction that no one identifies as an affliction.  I think many doctors have confused loneliness with depression.  It is a well written account of the author's and strangers ways of coping with their loneliness and learning to live a full life.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

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