Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Waiting Game

Hi Everyone,

I don't really have much to say tonight.  I wrote a blog post on my other blog today.  I don't want to write about my job because that seems to be the only thing I write about lately, because my body still hasn't been able to adjust to working again.  I don't want to talk about how my foot really bothered me today that I was massively limping today and felt very self conscious.  I don't want to talk about how my limping brought my energy down so low, so fast that I haven't been able to recover since.  The pain is scaring the s**t out of me and it seems that no matter what stretches, exercises, ointments, or massages I do it doesn't get any better.

It doesn't help that I looked up tendon transfers on the internet and found that the tendon breaks over time and makes one limp and hurt and have to get more surgeries.  If I realized that when I was 17 I am not sure I would have gone through with it.  The good thing  about it all is that I am starting to put things into perspective.  Small ideas and pathways are opening up to me that I am going to explore in reference to getting health insurance, so that I can see a orthopedic doctor.  I am feeling a tightness in my chest and nausea over my fears of what I might find when I am able to see a doctor.  I don't want another surgery, I don't want to have to go through that kind of pain again and physical therapy.  That is down the road, but it still doesn't make me feel better.  I want to know what is wrong with me.  But I have to wait.  Waiting has to be the worst feeling in the world.  I will do it with patience and as much integrity as possible.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

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