Thursday, May 20, 2010

Important Decisions

Hi Everyone,

This morning when I woke up I still had sharp pains in my foot and leg, where it makes it really hard for me to walk.  I am unable to push off with my toes because when I do I feel a sharp pain course up my leg and take a sharp intake of breath.  I have decided for now to focus on getting an office job, so that I can receive health insurance.  I am going to be putting my acting on hold for a bit until I can get some peace of mind over what is wrong with me.

I was talking to my mom today, asking her if the doctor ever said there would be side effects from the tendon transfer surgery.  She said all he mentioned was I might be flat footed.  I know that the pain does not come from the Cerebral Palsy but the tendon transfer surgery I had years ago.  I remember distinctly about a year ago feeling a tear in my foot and hearing a pop when I was working a double at Heartland Brewery, but I assumed it would heal itself.  It hasn't.

As I have been doing research about tendon transfer surgeries on the internet I am finding that many tendons tear from each other, so that another surgery is required to repair the tear.  I don't know if this is what  I have encountered, but I need to know for sure, because the pain I feel is terrifying me.  I need to know the cause, so I don't feel so helpless.  The feeling of helplessness has been compacted that I am alone here, in California.  All I really want is a hug or a shoulder to cry on, but I don't.  So I push down the feeling and try and cope the best way I know how, with the truth.

The truth of the matter is that I need some medical advice from a orthopedic specialist, who I can't afford right now.  The truth is, I have to take care of myself and keep my head high.  The truth is, I am an emotional wreck lately and know that I will have the support of family and friends, no matter what.  I don't know where this new road will lead, but I am sure I will be keeping you posted :)

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

2 comments:

  1. oh Tara my heart is breaking for you, I wish there was something that I could do, but just know that I am sending love and positive energy your way.

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  2. That means more to me than you can ever know, Kristin! Thank you!

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