Today I took a hike up into the Santa Monica Mountains above Beverly Hills. There I found a beautiful lake surrounded by woods, trails and a menagerie of wild animals. The day was overcast and when I arrived in the parking lot of the park, the first drop of rain fell onto my windshield. I quickly put my hood over my head and began walking. The lake is surrounded by a one way road that cars slowly roll by as they exit or enter the park depending on what side of the lake you are on. I was looking through my city walk cards I got from my brother and sister in law and I found this card for Franklin Canyon Park.
As I was walking along the wooded path I was surprised to hear a pig snort from my right. I had never heard of wild pig or boar in the mountains, but the sound followed me until I came to the next parking lot. I was also surrounded by the sounds of ducks, birds, and frogs. The wind was cold and biting today because of the rain, but I needed to be out in the woods today. The silence was so tranquil and healthy to be walking around in. I had a lot to think about today. I was given an opportunity as I mentioned in my old blog, eastcoastgirloutwest.blog.com and I was thinking it over today. Clarification, I was feeling it over today. The great thing about opportunities are that they get your blood pumping again. I needed to feel out what my decision would be so that I make the right choice. As this time in California has taught me in such a short period of time is, that I am very hopeful for the future, but being hopeful can also be unrealistic. I keep having the song, "I dreamed a dream" from Les Miserable in my head. For those who don't know that song it is about a woman who was hopeful and romantic in her youth, but as time passed life killed the dream she dreamed. I feel at this moment in time I am on the precipice of falling into either a life full of gratitude in reference to what I have dreamed or a life that is full of regret.
It doesn't help that my family is helping me financially right now. I feel as if I have let everyone down especially myself. My intentions were good and noble and positive, but I didn't want to think about the consequences of moving to the other side of the country, because I was sure I would find a job soon after I arrived. As you know, that has not happened and I am having a hard time even getting an interview. My mom keeps bringing up looking for a job in a field I am not comfortable in, "You might end up enjoying it." she says. I get angry when she says things like that. I know she means well and that she wants the best for me and she sees me struggling, but it doesn't make me feel better. I have filled out applications and sent resumes and cover letters and salary requirements for positions I would have never applied for. Plus, ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be an actor. When she says things like that, it makes me think she wants me to give up. She doesn't understand, that I can't give up. If I give up what is the point of my life. I have known I have wanted to be an actor since I was 4 years old. I don't think anyone else in my family understands what I feel except my Uncle Joe. I know what I am doing sounds crazy and unconventional and irresponsible. I live with that everyday. It isn't easy, but I can't imagine not trying and I am sure as hell not ready to give up yet. I am positive that I will find a job and I will get an agent and manager and I will have a career as an actor where I can pay my bills and a lot more.
Tomorrow I have an audition for a commercial. I also am having lunch with three of my acting friends that are working as actors. And then tomorrow night is the last night of The Seven Deadly Sins! I have to believe in my dreams. I have to believe that it means something. I have to believe I will succeed!
Until tomorrow. Take care and be safe.
All my love,