Wednesday, December 22, 2010

God Bless Us, Everyone

Hi Everyone,

I've had a wonderful experience that was just beginning when I last posted in late October and it has affected me so much as a person I wanted to share it with you.  Back at the end of October I was cast as Mrs. Cratchit in A Scrooge and Marley Christmas Carol at the Knightsbridge Theatre, here in L.A.  I was excited, nervous and ecstatic all at the same time.

With this production, I was going through a lot of "firsts".  This would be the first time I play a wife and mother.  Previously, I've played a wife or a mother, but never both at the same time.  It was my first time working with children.  My first time in a musical and the first time I cried on stage.  Those first few weeks of rehearsal, I was getting to know "my family" and we were learning things about each other that made us grow closer.  Chris, who played Bob and I never talked about how we would become a family, we just did.  I know personally, I instinctually talked to Jessica and Sam, who played Belinda and Tiny Tim and made sure I sat next to them in rehearsals and Chris did the same.

I laugh now, knowing how we are as people.  Christopher and Sam were talkative, they could talk about anything and everything.  Jessica and I were quieter, more observant.  It wasn't until we became comfortable that we opened up.  During the whole process I was surrounded by a wonderful group of people who cared for this production and worked hard to make it come alive.

Rene, our director was patient and suggestive, but gave me room to play with the character.  I will not pretend to think that I was confident or happy all the time during this rehearsal period.  I remember during one week I was so mad at myself for not "getting it" right away, but I realized I was still doing my homework.  Mrs. Cratchit, isn't the easiest character for me.  It was difficult for me to find the mother/wife within her and balance that out to be something believable.  I was very fortunate to have Rene and Christopher to work off of and try different things.  I found within myself that I instinctually looked out for Jessica and Sam as if I was their mother.  That wasn't hard for me.  What was hard, was letting myself go when I had to break down during Tiny Tim's death.  It is something I don't ever want to have to go through in real life, so during rehearsals it was like pulling teeth to get myself to cry.  By the end though, I am proud to say, that I cried during the performances and we were able to get audience members to feel with us.

Being part of a production is always a bonding experience.  Even on productions where it sucked to go to the theatre I was able to bond with my fellow actors in our misery.  I feel very fortunate to be a part of the Knightsbridge family because during the two productions I have been a part of, I have felt welcomed and supported.  It is so rare to have that.  It is the little things that make me see what I am missing in my life as Tara and want to change it.  This production let me have a family during a very lonely time in my life and everyone accepted me and vice versa.  That means more than I can put into words.  So I will smile when I remember little things that made us the cast we were.

I will never forget playing the staring contest with Sam, how Jessica and I would lip sync other actor's lines to each other backstage,  how Chris and I would joke about "Christmas Day (wink,wink)", slow motion dancing with Swank, talking football with Scott, listening to Travis rehearse "O, Holy Night", Vance and Beth improv'ing with each other, JT and Aaron rehearsing their dance sequence, Nancy Kay zipping up my jacket, Allana's ringtones, Maddie helping me with my bun and Rene's warm embrace of us as a cast.  To say it was a good experience isn't saying enough.  I will genuinely miss the cast and crew because we did have fun together and in the end I cared for everyone and that means a lot.  So with that said, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and God Bless Us, Everyone.

Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Friday, October 22, 2010

Signing Off for Now

Hi Everyone,

So here it is, the last post of my blog for a while and it will be anti climatic.  Today, was just a regular day for me, which I think is the way I should end this blog.  I went to work in the California sunshine, which presented itself after a two week absence and I got to make some money and come home.

I came home, made lunch/dinner and began working on my close up work for my on camera class I take on Tuesdays.  I emailed a bunch of associates and friends to thank them for working with them in Brad Garrett's class, and am now getting ready to go over the script again for A Scrooge and Marley Christmas Carol.

Ten months ago, I didn't know what an actor's life was like, I had sporadic doses of it in NYC, but now I am starting to get a groove going of classes and projects.  The classes and projects are giving me inspiration to write again, which give me the strength to write my own projects and get me excited for what is going on right now in my life.  I have been very fortunate and have been blessed ten fold over the past year and I really can't fully grasp the positivity I feel in my life.  I am at my poorest financially that I ever have been, however I feel so blessed spiritually.  I must keep moving one step at a time toward my dream.  And I thank you for following me along the path during these past 10 months, it has been a blast!

Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Counting My Blessings

Hi Everyone,

I realized today that I only have one more post after this and I got a little sad.  I have come to enjoy writing the blog from day one.  I have always known I write to release tension and work through my thought processes.  Writing has been a healing force for me since I was a child.  Through this blog, I have begun writing a diary everyday like I did in elementary, high school and college.  I then moved to writing stories, books and plays after the Peace Corps.

The blog has been a very strange experience at the same time that it has been enjoyable.  It is a little strange that my blog shows up on other people's websites and I have followers.  I have learned a lot about the internet and what I don't and don't mind sharing online.  As I said, I have been ignoring relationships because I have put my life on here, and haven't really taken the time to do the same for my friends and family.  It is a strange relationship, the internet.  Everyone can see it if you choose.  Everyone can follow your life if you want.  It can give a very insecure person a sense of belonging and fellowship because of comments and a fanbase, but it doesn't fill the hole, that loneliness creates.  I will be the first to tell you that moving to California was a lonely experience for the first six months.

The blog was a friend during that time.  It was a place I could come to, to jot down the confusion, anxiety, frustration, excitement, jubilation, loneliness, and chronicle the small steps I was making to form a life here in this new environment.  I am grateful that I will have this record of this time in my life, because I don't think it will ever be created again in my lifetime.  I have been blessed with opportunities and things have fallen into place here, like out of a movie.  I really can't believe my luck!  I hope that the end of this blog is just the beginning of bigger opportunities and more  open doors than I could ever imagine.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Self Knowledge

Hi Everyone,

It rained again in California, but thankfully I got to go to work today.  I was the only one on and I ended up with 5 tables and worked 2 hours.  I thank God for the few bucks I made.  I needed it.

I read the script for A Scrooge and Marley Christmas Carol and I am working on character work.  I realized since last night, that I need to keep working on my craft so that I trust my instincts and go with my gut.  It is a big issue for me, trust.  I don't trust a lot of people and I don't trust myself in the circumstances that are the most important to me.  It is like I subconsciously sabotage myself.  I am slowly licking my wounds and moving forward.  One small step at a time.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Heart Mending

Hi Everyone,

So today was the big day for the Brad Garrett showcase.  Unfortunately, my worse nightmare came true.  Two of the casting directors thought I was trying to be too much like Meg Ryan.  Can you say arrow through the heart?  Ouch.  I take full responsibility for it, of course, I knew instinctually that my performance was off the mark.  Instead of going with my instinct and taking Brad's notes, I used the notes as my end all be all.  Right now, I am so angry at myself because I feel as if I let Brandon down, because the casting directors loved what he did.

I talked to Brad afterward and he said, "Tara, you lost your vulnerability.  You lost you.  I didn't see you playing up there."  I took his notes to the extreme.  Brad also then said, "Tara, the one thing I will tell you coming from experience, don't beat yourself up! Keep going!  You have a quality about you that makes me feel for you and root for you and you can't take what was said today and beat yourself up with it."

Ah, Brad, that is what I was put on this earth to do.  I'm a Virgo.  It has to be perfect.  But he knew how worried I was about being compared to Meg Ryan, because we talked about it earlier this week.  The good thing about all of this is that I know how much I want to be an actor and I know what I did wrong.  Poor Brandon feels bad, because he never felt as if I was playing Meg Ryan, because he always felt that I was giving him things to work with, and play off of.  So I am taking this moment to let it go.  No more beating myself up, no more tears, no more what ifs.  I am going to go to bed and wake up tomorrow morning and read the script for A Christmas Carol and turn my frown upside down.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Monday, October 18, 2010

New Opportunities and Excitement

Hi Everyone,

I actually got to work today even though it was raining all day.  I made $10 bucks and I also got to clock in 3 hours.  I will take it.

Tomorrow is the big night for Brad Garrett's class, so Brandon and I went to the local coffee shop and actually rehearsed our scene around others, which gave us more to discover and play with in the environment.  I am really excited about the scene.  We have really worked hard on it and I am just excited to see how it goes tomorrow.  I think I am so excited because I know that I have done everything I could in the last two weeks discovering and playing and refining the scene to make it the best we could.  I am very proud of it.  Also tomorrow is my first class for on camera technique.  I haven't had an on camera class since I graduated from SFT 3 years ago, so I know I am long overdue and I have the nervous jitters about it that make me look forward to it.

I also had my company meeting tonight at Knightsbridge and I found out that I have been cast as Mrs. Cratchett for A Scrooge and Marley Christmas Carol.  I am very excited!!! Jen pointed out that usually when I say, that I don't think I got something or that I am sure that I wouldn't be cast in it, I get it.  It is very true.  The show opens Dec 4th and has a three week run before the Christmas holiday.  They are going to have matinees for the family, so I am very excited.  I was a little nervous this year, that it would be difficult for me to get into the holiday spirit without any snow or frigidness, but I think this would do just fine!!! LOL!  So, now all I have to do is win the lottery and my life would be perfect :)

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Busy Sunday

Hi Everyone,

Another rainy day in Southern California started off with an early audition at Knightsbridge Theatre.  I auditioned for Mrs. Cratchett and I had to sing!!! What?!  I figured that I was going to be asked to sing since it is a musical version of A Christmas Carol I was auditioning for, but that did not simmer the jitters I got when I was actually asked to sing.  I can sing in the shower, in the car, and drunkenly at Karaoke  and I have no problem with that, but to have to sing to two actors I know who are singers is a bit daunting.  But I had a fantastic, slightly foolish embarrassing time singing Jingle Bells!

I got home at 11am and began cleaning the house before Brandon came over and we rehearsed our scene from When Harry Met Sally.  I am very excited about the scene and I feel strong in my work with it.  I pray that it translates on Tuesday when we perform it for everyone and guests.  I usually don't talk about my acting job, since a lot of things fall through before production, etc, but I have this giddy instinctual feeling that something big is going to happen on Tuesday.  Not necessarily to me personally, but it will affect me personally.  We will see if my instincts are right in the next few days.

Lastly, I got to speak to friends and family I haven't spoken to in a very long time.  It is comforting to know that over time, some things are still the same and that even with time we are able to connect.  It is always a bit awkward talking to friends and siblings I haven't spoken to in so long because I don't know exactly where to begin, because I can't remember where I left off.  But my soul was giddy to reconnect over the weekend with people I have been woefully pushing aside by using the excuse, "I will call them when I have more time".  That never works!  I keep telling myself, "You have to make time."  Duh!  So my inner self is actually a lot quieter from catching up with four out of the seven people I love the most!  Aaaaaahhhh....

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Life As I Know It

Hi Everyone,

Today I worked for 1 hours and made a whopping $2 because it rained again and it sucks!  I like that I get to work outside when it is nice out, but in the past month the weather has been rainy and cold and it is hurting my bank account big time.  I applied to the local bagel shop down the road from me because I saw a Help Wanted sign as I was going to the CVS.  We will see.

Tomorrow morning I have an audition for A Christmas Carol, so cross your fingers for me.  I am auditioning to play Mrs. Cratchett.  Personally, I think I look too young to play Mrs. Cratchett, but I don't care, I just want to be a part of it, because I love A Christmas Carol.  Every year, I have to watch the 1951 version with Alastair Sim.  I think his take on Scrooge is the most genuine of all the Scrooges.  I always love when he wakes up on Christmas morning and does his crazy little dance and scares the housekeeper with his rambling.  It hits me in the heart each time.

Yesterday, since I didn't have to work, I made a fantastic split pea soup that I finally got to sample today.  I was a little worried, because this would be my first vegetarian version without the ham.  I was afraid that it wasn't going to be thick enough or tasty enough, but I was so wrong.  It was thick, tasty and goopy and delicious.  I am learning slowly different recipes for things I am used to making for myself for dinner vegan style.

I have to rehearse a little before I go to bed, so I will talk to you tomorrow.

Until then.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Friday, October 15, 2010

MACBEEZY!

Hi Everyone,

Tonight, Jen and I saw the musical, MacBeezy, a hip opera, inspired by the Scottish play by Shakespeare.  It was adapted from MacBeth and music and lyrics were also written by my fellow company member at Knightsbridge and it was FAB-U-LOUS!!!! M-A-C-B-E-E-Z-Y!  Kelly rewrote the play because she teaches in inner city Los Angeles and she wanted to teach the kids Shakespeare.  She knew she wouldn't be able to hold their interest with the original text, so she rewrote it and had her husband assist in lyrics and music to put music and rapping into the storyline.  I cannot say enough about the production!  I was so impressed and so inspired by it!  It was wonderful!

I also came to a big decision tonight.  I know I said that I would write the blog until the end of the year, but I think I am going to amend that and say that I am going to have the last post next Friday.  I find because I write the blog everyday I don't take the time to keep in touch with friends and family I would on a regular basis if I didn't have the blog.  I have been woefully absent from friends' lives, that it is going to take a while to rebuild to the level they were before.  The blog has been fantastic for me to write, but it is time to move on.  If something huge should happen in my life, I will be sure to update, but for now I am taking a break and taking care of relationships I have ignored for far too long.  Thank you to everyone who has been following.  It has been fantastic!  I hope that all of you stay in touch and that just because you don't read my words everyday means we don't keep up with each other.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Keeping My Energy Contained

Hi Everyone,

I started a slightly different schedule at work.  I now work Thursdays instead of Tuesdays, which means that I really don't have a day off, because Tuesdays are when I have both of my acting classes.  I hope that changing my day works out.

I feel very weird lately in the fact that I have all this energy that wants things done now, even though I know that it must take a bit.  For example, I want to write a few scenes for myself so that I can get footage for a reel to show agents and managers of my work, but I know that I won't be able to write, film and edit them in a day.   My inspiration and hope is keeping me awake at night, figuring out who I can talk to about it and who I want to be a part of it.  I really would like to work with actors I feel comfortable with and trust.  I don't have that support system that I had in NYC and I crave it now.  I am finally understanding that if I want control in my acting career I need to take control.  So tonight I will be writing.  I already know what kind of characters I would like to play, so I have to write scenes that show it.  Wish me luck.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

I Am In Control!

Hi Everyone,

As I live day after day as an actor/human, I learn over and over again that I must make things happen for myself.  For the past 10 months of my living in California, I am learning that this town is all about selling yourself.  It has been difficult finding the avenues that are good for me.  I have learned that I am more behind in the game than I originally thought.  That is okay.  I am glad that I am only two years in the game and realize that instead of 10 years.

I have a lot of work that I must do to get close to attaining my dream of being a regular cast member on a television show.  I can take all the classes I want, but I also have to network, and produce my own stuff if I want to make my dream happen faster.  I never gave much thought to IMDb and how much it is a staple in every entertainment office in the world.  I don't have any credits on IMDb.  That is one thing I must work on.

Another thing is getting my reel in order.  Which would give casting directors and agents an idea of my work and to see what I look like on camera.  Which then would hopefully lead to more auditions, and then SAG eligibility.  I have the classes part down, I am getting better at networking.  In the  past three months I have met so many wonderful people it isn't funny, but now I need to take those classes and the networking and make it work for me so that I can get the reel, IMDb credits and SAG eligibility to move to the next level.

I realize that it is all about control and right now I don't feel like I have control of anything.  I feel like I am doing everything that teachers, peers, and books say that you need to do, but then I do them and nothing comes of it.  That isn't enough for me.  I need to feel as if I am doing everything in my power to move forward.  So I have begun to write.  Write scenes for my reel.  Scenes of characters I want to play.  I have begun to think of actors I've met and want to work with and collaborate with, here in L.A. to make my scenes come alive on camera.  I have begun working on envisioning myself as characters in plays and shows and began working on the material from them as if I have the part.

It has made me nervous, anxious because now that I am doing things to make my dream come true I am afraid that nothing will come of it.  Fear is the only thing that keeps us limited.  It curves our potential to so-so instead of phenomenal and strong.  I believe that my anger outburst I had yesterday is stemmed in that fear, however that fear fuels me.  It makes me know just how important this dream is to me.  It is so important that the thought of it never coming true makes me nauseous!  I would rather fail miserably than not have done anything at all.  This is it.  This is my truth.  This is my reason of being!  So, fear don't fail me now!

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Lessons Revisited

Hi Everyone,

As the people closest to me know I have an awful temper and it doesn't show very much, but when it does I am my worst enemy.  Lately, I could feel it about to blow and the littlest things were setting me off toward the big explosion.  It came today.

I hate when it happens.  I always feel enormously guilty about the things I say that are so hard to take back and act as if they weren't said, especially to the person it happens to.  I also don't like that when I am hurt I act like a petulant child.  It ends up that I hurt myself the most in all of the equations, but I still don't change the way I express it.  I've been doing it since I was two.  My parents just say that I use more grown up words now than when I was two.

Thank God I have my sister who is able to listen and not judge and let me cry out all my frustration and hurt.  Because that is where all the anger stems from.  Usually after I vent I am able to let it go, but I find as I get older it is harder to forgive myself.

It was actually great that I had class today, because I could focus on something that had nothing to do with my self evaluation and self guilt.  I always use my Catholic upbringing as an excuse for my self guilt, but I am sure if I was an atheist I would still feel that way.  It aggravates me that I have such a strong sense of right and wrong, that I am not able to act nonchalant with myself .  My life would be a lot easier that way.   I take that back, I actually like that I have a strong sense  of right and wrong.  I might feel guilty when I do something ugly, but it also gives me confidence in myself when I know I am doing what is right for others and myself.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Monday, October 11, 2010

Ho Hum I Have Nothing to Write

Hi Everyone,

I have gone a whole 10 months writing this blog and haven't really ever come up empty on what to talk about, alas, tonight I have.  I could go on and on about work, my rehearsal, the book I am reading, or tv shows I am kind of watching, but I feel that is just repeating what I have talked about yesterday or the day before.

I don't have a topic that as gotten me inspired to talk about like Waiting for Superman.  I don't have any friends visiting this week and the show is over.  I realized that I haven't gone bike riding in weeks and I haven't gone hiking either.  Tomorrow we are going to celebrate Jen's birthday, she wants to go to the movies, so that should be fun, but besides that I just want to take a nap.  My schedule has been pretty full lately and for anyone who knows me when I get tired, I get cranky.  It has taken 3 months, but now I am getting cranky and need a few nights of good sleep.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Making Pie

Hi Everyone,

I had a full load today.  I went to Pilates class again and Antony again beat me up, but I feel stronger and better than the first class.  He focused more on our legs this week, so I have a feeling my thighs and glutes are going to hurt tomorrow.

I then rehearsed again with Brandon on our scene and I think I found some interesting stuff I can use for Sally.  I also wanted to get myself in the autumn mood, so I made a pumpkin pie from scratch.  I actually baked the pumpkin, peeled it and then made the pie.  It came out pretty good.  It is a little too sweet for me due to the condensed milk I used, but it tastes like pie from the store, so I am happy.  Even though it is October, California has no fall to speak of.  All this week it will be in the 80s and I am having a hard time with it.  Fall is my favorite season, so I like taking out my sweaters and layering up and drinking tea  and making soups, but it is too hot to do such things.  If I was to decide to move back to the East coast it would be all because of autumn.  So this is the test.

I was happy today, that my Giants actually crushed it!  They have had a rough patch so early in the season, I hope this is it.  At the beginning of every season I always hope for a Manning SuperBowl.  Meaning, I would love if the Colts and the Giants went head to head, just because.  I am a huge fan of Peyton's as a quarterback, but the Giants are my team, so it would be a very passionate game for me.  So I hope the Mannings lead their teams to victory this season, so they can make my dream come true :)

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Workin, Workin, Workin

Hi Everyone,

I got to work today sans the Fraulein outfit I have been known to wear these past few weeks.  It was because the patio was closed for a private party and I had the pleasure of working the inside taking tables that weren't from the party.  I was so happy that Erik did that for me, because then I knew I would make some money.  Plus it was pretty laid back and stress free compared to the party.

I also rehearsed with my scene partner, Brandon for our When Harry Met Sally scene.  Can I just say, how difficult it is to say words that I know by heart in my own way.  I wanted so badly to just play Meg Ryan because she was perfectly cast in that role.  Brandon and I had to work on our automatic response to play Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal, since both of us know the movie so well.  I have a feeling it is going to be difficult, but I am going to try my darndest to make it my own.

Tomorrow is my second class of Pilates with Antony and I am not prepared.  I haven't done any of the the pilates moves since Kimmie left on Monday and I have been eating atrociously since Kimmie visited that I don't feel very prepared to feel strong and skinny.  I still am having stomach issues from the cheese I had on Monday and I also had cheese last night at Rachelle's party.  I haven't felt this nauseous since I had food poisoning in Mali and I just have to wait it out.  I keep telling myself to force myself through it, because around my family I won't really have the ability to stay on my strict vegan lifestyle, especially during the holiday, but I have to remember days like today when I feel so horrible it is better to pass on the broccoli with cheese, ya know what I'm sayin?

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Rare Thoughts

Hi Everyone,

Today was my friend Rachelle's birthday and we celebrated it with the family.  Aunt Peggy made this massive dinner with chocolate cake and ice cream and it was delicious.  I haven't been able to hang out with my cousins or my aunt for the past month due to the show, classes, work and life in general, but it was good to be around them even if they were in rare form tonight.

On a totally different note, I think I need to look for another job.  Today was a beautiful day, and it was Friday, but in the past three weeks, they have been putting two extra people on and I have gone from making over $100 a shift to $30-40 a shift on a Friday.  Friday and Saturday were my money days and now I don't even make enough to cover a tank of gas.  Plus, this past Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday rained cats and dogs, so I made $17 on Monday and $7 on Tuesday and they called me to tell me not to come in on Wednesday.  So for the past 4 shifts I have made less than $75!  Nope not going to cut it.  So Sunday I have the day off, I am going to take Jen to the movies for her birthday and rehearse my final scene for Brad's class with my scene partner and then I am going to start calling people about jobs.  Wish me luck!!!!

On a totally different different note, I keep having the song, I Want to Hold Your Hand in my head.  I know it is because I just watched the episode of Glee, that had me bawling when that song was sung.  But when I sing it to myself it is the Beatle's version of the song I hear.  It is only one stanza that I repeat over and over in my head and it makes me happy.  Does anyone have certain songs that get stuck in their head from time to time.  I remember junior year of high school everyday at 5:15am I would wake up to Tom Petty's, Free Fallin and I literally had that song stuck in my head for all of 1993.  Now every time I hear that song, I can't help belting it out as if I am 16 all over again.  I am laughing at the memory.

Does anyone have any song memories they would like to share?

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Waiting For Superman

Hi Everyone,

I noticed in the last two days I have been on my "something must be done" kick.  Tonight, I saw the documentary, Waiting for "Superman".  It is about the state of the U.S. education system.  And it isn't pretty.  I have learned a lot about the system due to my sister and the trials and tribulations she must go through as a teacher.  But this movie, opens the spectrum to what the U.S. would be like in 10 years.

They followed students from D.C., L.A., NYC and Silicon Valley.  They picked mostly urban schools due to the higher drop out rate there, but as they did their research rural areas were also just as high as urban areas.  Most 8th graders are between 12%-35% of where they should be in reading and math depending on the state as a whole.  Our students are at the same learning level as students from 1971, but in 1971 there was a 12% chance students went to college, now in 2010 one must go to college.  One parent was asked, "Why do you want your daughter to go to college?"  She answered, "I want her to have a career, not a job."  That resonated with me.  I think that is what my parents wanted for me and my siblings.  They wanted us to have a better life.

I don't want to give too much a way , but the children in this documentary are children and they are the reason for our future.  I was angered at the bureaucracy that the education system has created along with the government, that has hindered the system to grow and compete against developing countries, like China and India.  The statistics alone are maddening and inspire me to do something.  There are children from low income homes that want to have a better life, they want to succeed.  In the end it is the adults they depend on as teachers, principals and school board members that cheat them out of a good education.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Something Must Be Done

Hi Everyone,

Tonight I am going to write about a topic that has been bothering me a lot in the last few days.  Recently there have been a slew of stories about young gay youths committing suicide because of bullying.  The particular story of the college student whose roommate secretly filmed him having sex with another man and then putting it on the internet for all to see really got me angry and my heart goes out to the family of the student who committed suicide because of it.  Why would anyone do such a thing?  It makes me not want to have children if there are going to be people like that or people who defend the boy who taped it.  What events happened in the  "tapers" life that makes it okay to treat others with such disregard?

Jen and I were talking about it this afternoon and we both wondered if children born from 1990 on don't have the social skills, the interaction skills or the sense of right and wrong that a lot of us grew up on because they are inundated with technology and reality television.  For example, most teenagers now don't interact with one another by talking, they interact by texting, internet, and email.  They walk around with either a cell phone or an ipod in their ear and are glued to their laptops in their rooms watching and "talking" to friends online.  When I was 16, I had to listen to the radio in my room.  The computer was in the "computer room" and was used by the whole family and I was only allowed to talk on the phone before 7PM.  Every other time I had to actually see my friends and hang out with them.

I see a huge difference between my sister and I.  She was born 8 years after me and whenever she is around she is always on her phone, either taking calls, or texting.  To the point I have said many times, I think it is rude that she visits me, but she isn't really giving me her time.  Granted, I use the internet on a daily basis, check my email I don't know how many times and feel lost if I accidently forget my cell phone at home, but I do put a limit on my computer time.

The story of bullying is not new, but in this day, anyone can see your humiliation if it is filmed off a cell phone, camera or computer cam and posted on the internet.  Being bullied is hard enough, knowing that thousands of people are watching your humiliation must be unspeakably devastating!  My heart goes out to the youths and their families who are victims of bullying, because it is hard to fend for yourself when millions are rewinding bullying incidents on Youtube.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Songs From the Heart

Hi Everyone,

I had class tonight and it was another powerhouse class.  We had to memorize a song and perform it as a monologue which is harder than it sounds, due to when I sing songs, I know all the words, but when I actually have to say it without singing I have a hard time remembering the words.  I chose the U2 song, One.  It is a song I identify with for some reason since I first heard it back in 1992.  I remember the video and Bono sitting in a chair as the camera pans farther away from him.

All the songs tonight, brought out these powerful emotions from everyone whether it be sadness, anger, happiness, longing, nostalgia, etc.  I cried 4 times and laughed out loud on some.  What I have been learning through this class is that comedy has nothing to do with laughing out loud, it is all about truth and vulnerability.  This is what Brad is trying to get us to do in our work, be vulnerable.  It has been difficult, but also very rewarding.

Next week we are going to be rehearsing our final scenes.  I am doing a scene from When Harry Met Sally and I am going to be working with my friend, Brandon.  Tomorrow we are going to decide which scene to actually do and try and cut it down to five minutes.  The great and most difficult thing about this will be cutting down the scene, just because WHMS has such great dialogue that is truthful and has stood the test of time.  I am already getting sad that I only have two more weeks of the class.  I can see the progress everyone has made from day one, so it will be strange when it is over.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Monday, October 4, 2010

Breathing Time

Hi Everyone,

Today was the first day of slowing down in my schedule.  Last night was closing night for Candida and it was a fantastic sendoff.  The cast did a phenomenal job and we had a wonderful crowd!  Our director gave us a nice photo album of shots from the play and also a cast and crew photo we took the very first week of performances.  After the show, we broke down the set and drove over to one of the cast members apartments for a little party.  It was nice.

This morning I picked up Kimmie from her friend's house and then got ready for work.  I was only at work for about an hour and a half and then I got cut because it was raining pretty heavily all day.  I drove Kimmie to the airport tonight and now I feel as if I should be doing something, but I don't really have anything planned as of yet for the week.  I think it may be an adjustment having a little more time on my hands now since the show is over and Kimmie is back home.

It was fantastic having Kimmie here.  Her energy is just so feisty and unstopping.  She finished the triathlon and it was as if she went to the gym for an hour.  Her other friends looked as if they were beat and Kimmie was revving to go!  It is crazy!  I am tired for her :)  We tried to get a picture of the Hollywood sign tonight before she had to go the airport, but it was too foggy and she couldn't get it.  But she plans on being back in July so we have something to do next year.

I am beat and I need to do some of my homework for Brad's class for tomorrow, so I am signing off for tonight.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Sunday, October 3, 2010

That's Life

Hi Everyone,

So at work for the past two weeks, business hasn't been the greatest, that I am thinking of looking for another job.  If I am going to be traveling around to classes and shows and such I need to make a little more money, so I feel comfortable, personally.  I was aggrevated at work due to it was so slow and there were only 3 of us on.  And we  were in our Oktoberfest outfits, which would have been fun if the crowd was a little more enthusiastic, but c'est la vie.

Tonight, was the next to last show of Candida and I am going to be sad tomorrow when it ends.  The people are fantastic and I have been raving about them for the past few weeks.  I am going to miss watching the show and talking to the cast.  I have little routines that we all play each night and get to talk one on one with each other and I have a feeling that everyone will go their separate ways and I might see them in the future.  But it sucks when something that was so enjoyable has to end, but c'est la vie.

Kimmie competes in the triathlon tomorrow, so she is staying over at another competitors' house that she befriended last year.  I have never seen the L.A. triathlon, so I am excited to see how it is run compared to NYC and to see if they have big crowds cheering the athletes on.  Having Kimmie here has been a blast and also exhausting.  Kimmie has energy of the energizer bunny and it is crazy.  I forgot she can be that way.  I miss our talks.  It has been great having her around and just sitting in silence or talking about anything.  She is still always running late, compared to me always being early.  She is manic where I am calm.  She is forward when I shy away and she is brash when I am polite and vice versa.  It is strange sometimes to see how we compliment each other and also can be each others' enablers.  Old habits die hard.  But c'est la vie!

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Saturday, October 2, 2010

California Adventure

Hi Everyone,

The past two days have been full of excitement and activity.  My good friend Kimmie is in town to compete in the triathlon and she is staying with me.  Yesterday, I had the day off, so Kimmie and I met up with another friend of ours, Sam, in Beverly Hills for lunch.  How California is that?  "I had lunch in Beverly Hills this afternoon."  LOL!  Then Kimmie and I went to Hollywood to go to Grauman's Theatre and take pictures of the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  We did that, but then Kimmie got to get real life pics of John Malkovich,  Diane Lane, Josh Brolin, and John Voight at the premiere of Secritariat happening right across the street from the Chinese Theatre.  After the excitement and surrealness of it all, Kimmie and a few of her friends and I had In and Out Burger, because that is the thing to do if you are from out of town.

Today, I worked in the afternoon and Kimmie and Jen came to visit me at work.  We then went to the beach and enjoyed the power of the Pacific.  The waves were crazy today.  They were high, powerful and whitewater.  I took some really cool pictures of Kimmie in the water.  Then we proceeded to the theatre where I am lighting the show for the last weekend.  I can't believe that Candida is ending already.  It has been a blast!  Jen and Kimmie enjoyed the show and we are now home, exhausted.

Tomorrow,  I get to wear my fraulein get up again for Oktoberfest and hopefully have a good crowd of people.  But for now, I am going to bed.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Picking Up the Ends

Hi Everyone,

Things happen for a reason.  For instance today my gas light went on and I wanted to make it to "my" gas station, but at the last minute I decided to turn into the closest one.  It was a good thing too, because when I passed my gas station, it was all blocked off because of a leak.  I probably would have been stranded 100 yards from my apartment if I had waited and tried to go to "my" station.

I had a lot to do today.  I had to fax things to the DMV because the dealership never took my name off a Toyota, that I never bought and I got a notice that I was past due on my registration that doesn't even exist.  Plus my friend, Kimmie comes in tomorrow and I had to clean my room, do my laundry, go to the grocery store, plan and get directions to places for tomorrow and all of that hubbub that goes along with visitors.

For class next week we have to recite a song as if it is a monologue, and I picked U2's One and I am having a hard time not singing it.  It is pretty amusing, but I have a feeling I am going to be obsessed over doing it as a monologue all week.  I also have to pick a scene for class that is 5 minutes from our favorite comedy tv show or movie.  I want to do a scene from When Harry Met Sally and it is really hard to find a scene that is only 5 minutes because the dialogue is so good, I don't want to end the scenes, but alas I do.

What are some of your favorite comedy movies or shows?

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Hello Everyone,

Tonight in class, Brad made us do the "mirror" exercise.  It is when we sit in front of a "mirror" we have made up in our imaginations and just be for 3 minutes.  It is an exercise that gets actors to understand their fears.  I remember doing it in conservatory and that first time, I didn't understand how I was going to "be".  I was thinking of all different scenarios that would be funny or dramatic and instead it ended up just feeling awkward and insincere.  I like this exercise.

When I went up to do the exercise I didn't have a scenario  in my head, but in the few moments that I just relaxed and let it be, my imagination came up with the scenario that I was waiting to go on a double date with my sister.  Automatically as I looked in the "mirror" I began comparing how more beautiful I think my sister is to me.  How I compare.  For three minutes I did this and by the end I didn't want to look in the "mirror" anymore.  When the exercise was over, Brad was quiet for a long time.  "Where were you?" he asked, I didn't compute that he meant literally.  I replied, "Far away."

"Who were you talking to?"

"My sister."

"You said that she would look beautiful anyway, do you think she is beautiful?"

"Yes."

"And you aren't?"

"Beautiful? No."

"Is she older than you?"

"No."

"You let yourself alone and you made a choice to not look in the mirror, but you did it in such an organic way that we were compelled to follow along with you.  There was nothing forced, there was just you and that was a strong choice you made.  Well done."

Funny thing is that because I let myself think those thoughts and feel those emotions it took me a bit to get out of that haze and see what he meant.  I watch some of these actors who are so uncomfortable, they couldn't do the exercise for one minute and I remember just how far I have come in letting people see my vulnerability.  That is a huge thing for me.  I might not be able to be vulnerable in my real life, but I feel as if I have hit a milestone by being vulnerable in my craft.  I have only had two classes with Brad so far, but  they have been tremendous toward my confidence in my acting ability and I am very grateful.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Monday, September 27, 2010

Creative Energy

Hi Everyone,

I had such high hopes for tonight with the reading of the movie script I was participating in.  It was a great experience but I left frustrated and disappointed.  I was most disappointed in my fellow company members.  After we read the script to the audience we had a Q&A, which would be about questions you had about the script, which it began that way, but somewhere down the line it became about how others wanted the script to end and how they wanted the storyline to go instead of what we had.

I love actors.  I hate their egos.  There were fantastic suggestions and improvements that Joseph and Jim can make to the script and I am sure they are going to do it, but then there was a lot of repetition of how someone else thought the storyline should go.  If you don't like the script, they should write one.  I think it is a compelling story that Joseph is trying to tell.  It is disturbing, dark, and twisted, but it asks a fundamental important question of human nature.

Tonight was my first night participating with my other company members in a production, that I am grateful for.  I am also grateful for the company members, even if I became a little frustrated with a couple of them, they are actors and they are passionate.  I am glad that the script got them so heated over what Joseph was trying to say in his script.  That is the reaction he wants.  He wants people to talk about the script and get angry over it, because then people will talk about it.  As I am writing this, my frustration is turning into understanding and appreciation for letting me be around such energy.  So maybe my high hopes weren't dashed after all, they just weren't what I expected.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Working Through the Heat

Hello Everyone,

Today started out with a workout at Equinox.  I took Antony, a castmember in Candida up on his offer to take his Pilates class.  I told him I was more a yoga girl, but he told me Leanne Rimes was in his class and I like her abs, so I decided to go.  He beat me up with the work out  he did.  I was grunting, sweating, swearing and hating my life when the workout was over.  He explained that all of the people in Santa Monica want beach body abs, or a body where they look good naked and you can't have that if you don't work your ass off literally for it.  Two hours after the class I was already in pain.  It was a good class.  I joked with Antony and his wife Jennifer that at the show tonight, if the lights didn't come on it was because I was snoring away in the booth.

Ah, the booth.  Also known as the oven and I am the turkey.  L.A. is going through a heat wave as we speak, so where the theatre is located the temperature hit over 100 degrees today.  The booth where I have to be above the stage is not air conditioned, but it does have two oscillating fans.  In between acts I would put the fans on and go down into the dressing room and hang out with the cast to cool off.  I purposefully wore clothes I had made in Africa because they are made of material for this kind of weather.  I don't use the fans during the show because I can't hear the actors.  The theatre has a speaker for me to listen to the actors, but I always forget to turn it down when I cue the music for the end of the acts and then I blow out my eardrums and anyone below me.  So I don't use the speaker.  It works for me.  Even though we didn't have a show on Friday because we didn't have an audience, Saturday and Sunday had a good number of people attend.  I hope we are able to have those amounts for the last weekend next week.

I am going to go take a cold shower now and cool off.  Hope everyone has a good week.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Full of Oktoberfest!

Hi Everyone,

I am going to spell out how I feel right at this moment...E...X...HAUST...DED!  I spelt it wrong on purpose because that is how my NY accent inside my head says, exhausted.  Today, was the first day of Oktoberfest at work and I had to dress up like a fraulein...a sexy fraulein, whose skirt just covers her ass.  So for everyone who knows me reading this blog, you can wipe the tears from your eyes because I actually started to like the costume by the end.

At first it was very uncomfortable.  I was self conscious, I couldn't breathe because it seems as if there is a corset sewn into the costume and I could feel a breeze on my ass.  But by the end of the day I was rocking that costume like it was no ones business because I looked cute and I was getting good tips and I was "chicken dancing" with the customers.  I forgot to mention we had an oompah band there.  It was awesome.  I felt like I was back in Germany.  I was shouting along as the crowd yelled, "Ein, Zwei, Gazoofa!  OY! OY! OY!"  I think I convinced my whole section that they had to come back and be my regulars because we had a good time.  Well, we had a good time in between the power going out 6 times.  We had so much power going through the breakers they couldn't handle it and before the electrician could get out to the restaurant, we lost power 6 times.  Each time the computers had to be rebooted and food had to be taken out of the pizza conveyor belt because it runs on gas. Most people were too drunk to notice, but I was stressed for a few hours.

After that I went to the theatre and we put on the show.  Tonight we had a good crowd and I hope for the last weekend next week we have a great crowd in size and humor.  So now I am ready to hit the sack, unfortunately it is 80 degrees outside at 11PM so my room feels like a sauna.  Oh well.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Friday, September 24, 2010

A New Day

Hi Everyone,

Tonight we didn't have a show for Candida and it made me sad.  No one made reservations to see the show tonight, so they called the show.  All of us were there, so we ended up taking a negative and making a positive out of it.  We all went out and had a drink.  The great thing about this project is that the cast and crew is fantastic.  I really can't say enough about everyone.  I have only been around for the latter part of the production, but everyone has included me as if I was there from day one and I am so appreciative.

At the restaurant, we had a great lunch and I was running around for 5 hours like a chicken with my head cut off, but it felt good.  Tomorrow we are going to be just as busy I hope due to it is the first day of Oktoberfest and also the town is having a street fair on the street behind us.  I am not looking forward to the sexy german outfit I have to wear for Oktoberfest, but if I want a job, I have to do it.  The skirt is a tad too short for my taste and I really am glad I didn't get to see myself in the mirror.   Everyone said I looked cute, but I felt very uncomfortable for the few moments I had it on, to figure out what size to get.

After I wrote the blog last night, I went  to bed and slept like a log.  When I woke up today, I felt better, in the sense that my depression has abated a few degrees.  I am not so much in the black, just the gray area.  I had moments of anger that I felt toward customers today, which is always a sign I look for in my "cycles".  If I start to get angry over the littlest things, something is wrong.  If I start to get stressed over things that are not my responsibility, for instance, the way the restaurant is run, it is a warning sign.  If I start to hide eating chocolate, that is a warning sign.  If I start to feel I need to go shopping for "little things" I don't really need, that's a warning sign.  If I start to close my bedroom door so I don't have to talk to anyone, that is a huge warning sign.  Over the last week I have done all of those things and pushed it aside hoping that the darkness would not take over, but yesterday it did.  By writing about it I feel so much better.  I feel as if I made a crack in the wall.  That my depression doesn't hold as much weight as it once did and I feel lighter for it.  I am very appreciative that I didn't let yesterday effect today, like I would have in the past.  It is a new day and I have a lot to be grateful for!

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Taking Back My Life

Hi Everyone,

I have been moping around the house all day.  I have eaten my weight in food and I am very emotional today.  I would like to blame it on my female hormones, but I do have that overwhelming fear that my emotional state is going in its cycle.  Because I deal with depression and don't take drugs for it, I know I have a cycle that I go in.  Since I went vegan I have felt extremely more clear headed and optimistic, but in just 24 hours I have gone from really good, to really bummed.

I purposely went for a walk today to get out of the house and clear my head, but the little devil on my shoulder seemed to hang around like a leech today.  No matter what I did to try and bring my mood up I had awful thoughts running through my head putting me down and making me feel awful.

I am grateful I am aware of what is going on and trying my hardest to alleviate the negativity, but it is a lot of hard work and I am exhausted.  I am looking forward to going to work and the theatre tomorrow night, just so that I have something else to focus on except myself.  Because depression is a very selfish disease and it preoccupies me to see nothing else around me.  I am always afraid of the darkness and I get angry that I have to fight with myself alone.  I'm tired of being alone and beating myself up over it.  Just by writing about my fears and frustrations has helped in a way.  I am so grateful for the ability to write because I don't know what kind of person I would be without it.  Writing has healed me in ways no person or medication can ever heal me.

I know that in the last few weeks my life has changed in such a positive way that my mind automatically asks, "When is the speeding train coming to take it away?"  I am so excited about all the opportunities coming my way that I am afraid that it is all a hoax.  It is too good to be true.  Of course after I think that, I try and change my thought patterns to say, "I deserve this!  I've worked hard for this!"  I do change my pattern, just not with as much oomph as yesterday.

At first, this post was my thoughts written on a page, but now as the minutes and words have passed by I feel as if this post is the moment of truth, that maybe I haven't been able to come to terms with.  I have always been vocal about having depression, but I don't think  I have been honest with myself fully on just how debilitating it has been in my life.  It has taken me out of the game for huge chunks of my adult life and has made me stall in my growth as an adult.  This "cycle" I keep talking about is about to stop because I want my life that I am building here.  I don't want to be a victim anymore, I want to be proud of myself for all that I have accomplished and embrace the opportunities as gifts instead of as something temporary that won't last.  I deserve it!!

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Harry, Sally and Sue

Hi Everyone,

Today I ate a tiny piece of Buffalo Chicken Pizza and now I have had a stomach ache for the past 6 hours. It was a great tiny piece of pizza, but seriously?!  As soon as I got home I began printing out the script of When Harry Met Sally for my comedy class.  I think I am going to do a scene from it for my final, I just have to find Harry.  This is the first time I am reading the script and I know the film so well that I "hear" Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan's deliveries of the lines and I purposefully have to make myself stop.

I also have started going over my scene for my on camera class.  The class doesn't start for another three weeks, but I thought I would get a headstart.  I also reread the script for the reading on Monday.  I am so tired right now and it is only 8:30PM, but I am psyched about all this activity I have going on that is acting related.  I've never been so busy with different things since school and it gets my blood pumping again.

I watched the premiere of Glee and I laughed out loud with some of Sue's lines!  I love the new additions to the cast and I am excited to see Sue and Will team up more, because I found them enjoyable to watch.  And I actually like Finn and Rachel together.  I thought I wouldn't, but since Finn is so truthful about Rachel's vanity and insecurity and Rachel doesn't hide from Finn's truthfulness, I thought they were cute together.  I was surprised to find Mike and Tina dating, but I thought it was a great twist to give those actors more to do.  I am looking forward to next week.  Britney!  The reenactments of her videos look fantastic!  I am a Gleek fo' sho!

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Epiphany In the Car

Hello Everyone,

I had my first class with Brad Garrett tonight and so far so good.  He is a very giving teacher, with great suggestions and examples of what to do and not to do.  I had to do a scene from Mad About You where I played Jaime's sister, Lisa.  Brad commented that he knew right away that Jaime was the perfect sister from my point of view.  I have to practice pacing and making my choices more important.  Even though he knew that Jaime was the perfect sister from my point of view, I had to make her the perfect sister.  I had to make it bigger, more important so that when the focus of the conversation went from Jaime to Lisa it was a big deal and I would get a laugh.

I hadn't been in an acting class in 9 months and I was so excited to get back into it.  I was watching a lot of the actors, who some of them are actors I have seen in television and film before and I always feel as if I learn the most, by watching other actors.  Some actors are a joy to watch and then other actors I can't watch.  There are actors who are so in their head about if it will be funny or if they look good that I can't watch them.  I try, but then I find myself cringing.  "Vulnerability is the key to booking the job" - Brad Garrett.  I couldn't agree more.  I am sure that I am as guilty as the actors I can't watch and I am sure that some people can't watch me, but that phrase stuck with me.  So I have decided to get back into my meditation exercises on a more regular basis.

Last year, I was meditating every day and I felt off if I didn't meditate.  I liked giving myself that 20 minutes to relax and be still and I find that I need to get back into the practice if I want to be a more vulnerable actor.  Things are good.  I am working on keeping the goodness alive in my daily life.  As I was driving to class tonight, I was so nervous, I was sweating profusely, so I a made myself take a few deep breaths and acknowledge the anxiety.  I had an epiphany.  The fear I was feeling in the car was one of those sink or swim fears.  That if tonight didn't go well, then I would be back to square one, but then I realized that isn't true, because the fear is just letting me know that what I am doing for myself is one step in the right direction.  I am vaguely aware of fear that is based in fear of success and fear that is based in fear of destruction.  I knew that this class, no matter how it went was a learning experience and I am so grateful for it.   We all have those gut instincts that let us know when we are in danger and when we are doing something positive.  Positivity is where the excitement comes from.  I know years ago, I wouldn't have let the excitement get to me, I would have pushed it down and played it off as some childish dream that was unattainable.  Now, I am so grateful that I am so nervous that I have to take deep breaths to calm myself, because I can't imagine where I would be if I stuck it out in Delaware and was the model American we are all supposed to want to attain to.  It's not who I am.  I can't go down that path, I am not made that way.  I need to feel that nervousness to feel closer to being whole.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Busy Night

Hello Everyone,

Last night was a late night for me and I totally forgot about the blog in my tiredness.  Last night I went and saw, The Town.  It was a good movie, not as good as The Departed, but Affleck has only directed two movies to Scorcese's plethora of movies.

I also got the script for the reading I am doing next Monday.  It is a dark, script.  As I was reading it I was feeling like I did when I saw Seven.  I read it and then I let it go.  I am going to have to read it again today if I have time between work and class, just so that I can now read it as an actor instead of a reader.  The first time I read a script I try and not make any decisions.  I let the script tell the story and I am aware of my reactions and emotions, because that is my instinctual feel for the material that I will base all my work around.  It is later in the process that I will begin to play and think through scenes to discover more about the characters.  This is my first reading of a script for an audience, so I am pretty excited.

I also got my sides for my first on camera class, so I will be working on those too.  I am not feeling very much like an actor and I am excited!

I watched Hawii-5-0 last night and really enjoyed Scott Caan as Dano.  I am sure he improv'ed a lot in the scenes, but they made me laugh out loud.  The show was enjoyable enough that I would return to watch it again.

Until later tonight.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Sunday, September 19, 2010

The Town

Hi Everyone,

So in the last 24 hours I have been told that I need to see the movie, The Town, pronto.  I say, "OK."  I have always been a Ben Affleck fan even when he did, Gigli.  I didn't always agree with his choices of character or projects, but I liked him anyway.  I always thought he got the short end of the stick when it came to comparison to Matt Damon, but now I am glad he is doing projects that show his range and talent.

I was impressed with, Gone, Baby, Gone when it came out a few years ago.  I thought the way that Affleck directed it was safe in a way, since he had  his brother as the lead, but Casey Affleck also showed his talents.  I loved how Ben didn't shy away from doing a movie set in Boston, with a solid script and a great cast.  I still talk about Amy Ryan's role in the movie.

From the reviews I have read, Affleck again has got another great cast.  I am excited to see Jeremy Renner alongside Affleck.  I also am expecting the movie to blow me out of the water like, The Departed did.  That is what I am getting from friends, that kind of excitement for the film.  There aren't many films that get me so excited to be an actor, I might pee my pants.  The Departed did that for me.  I was so excited after the movie, I think I did pee my pants, but that is just me.

Anyone have any movie they have been really inspired by, influenced by, or excited by that they nearly pee their pants?

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

The Actor's Gang

Hello Everyone,

Tonight was the best show we have had so far.  It was even more fantastic than usual!  I will boast and say, "I rocked the lights!"  The actors were all in top form and I had a great time watching the actors' reactions to other actors' dialogue.  I do believe that most of the acting is in the silent moments.  That is when we truly see the character, in what he/she does not say.

After the show, the cast went out for drinks and I tagged along.  I unfortunately did not have my ID because the  jeans I wore today don't have deep pockets, so I gave my ID to a co-worker to hold and I forgot to get it back from them after my shift.  Ooops!  Thankfully she lives down the block so I don't have to go far tomorrow to get it back, but she laughed her ass off at me, because, I texted her saying, "I won't need my ID, I'll get it tomorrow."  And look what happens.  So the bar got the manager and the manager said, I could go in since I had a gang of people vouching for me.  We went to The Red Lion which is a German tavern.  Tons of German beer and heavy German food.  I enjoyed a wonderful Warsteiner Dunkel which is a dark lager.  I can't say I have had many dark lagers, but it was good.

It was great to hang out with everyone and talk to cast members I don't always talk to.  We talked about Germany, rugby, ancestry, acting, our jobs and every other subject you talk about when you are getting to know people.  It was fun.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Friday, September 17, 2010

Understanding my Craft

Hi Everyone,

Tonight was the 2nd week of Candida.  I  went in a little early today so that I could play with the lights and enjoy the show instead of being nervous about it all.  It was a little rusty all around for everyone, but I really do love the show!  Even when it is a little off it is very funny and entertaining.  I can't say enough about the cast and the director, Carolee.  They are very friendly, supporting artists and that is really rare to find and I genuinely look forward to going to the theatre every show.

I went back to Samuel French bookstore and bought, Lillian Hellman's The Little Foxes and Moilere's, Amphitryon.  I have a list of plays to read, since the meeting on Wednesday.  I would like to be fully aware of all the plays that we as a company are thinking of putting into production next year.  Plus I then will have a plethora of new material to take monologues from.  It's a win, win!

I talked to Joseph, the artistic director tonight about a reading of a screenplay that is going to be performed on Monday, the 27th.  He said he had a few small roles that I would be right for, would I be able to come? I said, "Yes."  He said, "There are going to be producers in the audience, they want to hear what the screenplay sounds like."  I said, "Okay!"  And that was that.  I am excited about it.  I should be getting my copy of the script in the next few days.  I really am glad that I got into this theatre company!  It has been such a positive experience so far and I am pinching myself over it all.

Next week I begin my class with Brad Garrett and then in October I begin my on camera class.  Even though I am not auditioning every week I am glad that I have these classes to keep me busy and to oil my rusty acting.  I realize it has been 9 months since I have been in an acting class.  Yes, I have gone to orientations and weekend intensives, but they aren't the same.  They don't make me feel as if I have made certain skills become habit.  They don't necessarily make me feel stronger as an actor, or more confident in my craft, they are just a refresher.  I am hoping that these classes propel me into auditions I would not usually get called on, cross your fingers!

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Thursday, September 16, 2010

New and Old

Hello Everyone,

I had a wonderful day today.  I woke up bright and early and got ready for an on camera orientation up in Burbank.  I left an hour and a half early and got there 30 minutes before the class began.  Since I was one of the first four to show up I got to perform in front of the camera.  The teacher, Jamison Haase, has booked almost all of the shows on television in the past 5 years.  He knows his stuff and I was glad that I was able to sign up for his classes.  They begin on Oct. 12th.

I then went to meet my Aunt Lynda and Uncle Joe over at my cousin Robert's house.  They were visiting from Vegas and  it is always good to see them.  We laughed our asses off at each other and I ate tons of food that I don't usually eat and I took a lot of Gas-X.  I know TMI!  I can't help it, but I think I will have a stomach ache for the next week after all that food.  Crazy!

I got home and welcomed Jen back!  She was telling me her great stories of NYC and DC. It was great to be able to talk to her about both cities and know where each of those places was.  She also bought me a Crumbs red velvet cupcake, so I guess I will have to keep the Gas-X available for one more day....then I am back to my routine.  I have to say that I feel really blah right now after eating pizza and caesar salad, I don't feel so good.  Oh well, I had a good time today.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

New Season

Hi Everyone,

Tonight we had the big meeting at the theatre company to go over shows that we might like to produce for the 2011 season.  The list of shows that were thrown into the pot were fantastic and exciting.  We have classics, comedies, Shakespeare, farce, musicals and dramas.  I don't want to tell you what they are because I am superstitious and I hope that the ones I want, are able to be commissioned and produced, so I will have to postpone my hopes until the list officially comes out.  I would have to say that the company suggested over 50 productions and they were all productions I wouldn't mind seeing.

As I was driving home I had a very strong urge for chocolate chocolate chip ice cream and not just the small size.  Something all day has been gnawing at me, but I am not quite sure what it is just yet.  My old way of dealing with things that "eat" at me is to eat crap food.  Instead, I am going to be spending a few minutes on the couch in quiet time trying to figure out what is bothering me.  It could be as little as I stubbed my toe today and it set off a whole bunch of emotions I am not proud of, or it could be something that happened a week ago and pushed it aside as if it didn't bother me then.  I hate doing self examinations, but I do have to say that by doing this for myself I learn more about myself and I use it to fuel myself as an actor.  That is the excuse I use, because I have to see this very uncomfortable  and difficult practice of self forgiveness as a learning experience.

Tomorrow, I have my plate full again.  I am going to go to a on camera orientation class and then meet up with my Aunt Lynda and Uncle Joe for the afternoon.  I am not sure when Jen is getting back from NYC she hasn't contacted me about it, but I am excited to see her.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Dancing Out the Disappointment

Hello Everyone,

Tonight, I was supposed to begin my sitcom comedy class, but when I got to the studio, I was told that the class doesn't start until next week.  They apologized profusely for not contacting me, blah, blah, blah.  I am not really disappointed.  I was looking forward to the class and I am actually bummed that I have to wait another week for it.  It is like thinking today was Christmas, but then someone says "Oh, no that isn't until next week."  Darn!

So when I got home, I tried to watch TV, but I didn't really want to.  So I did 100 situps and stretched.  I am still p'oed.  Oh well.  I submitted myself for 15 projects today, hopefully I will get an audition out of one of them.

Jen comes home on Thursday and I am excited.  I can't wait to hear her stories of the East Coast.  I am auditing a on-camera class on Thursday with my friend, Aida in Burbank.  I haven't been to Burbank in a few months and I like it.  It is a little cute town that I would like more time to explore.  I could see myself living there if I was to get a television gig that films in Burbank.  I have been thinking lately that where I live isn't the most accessible place for me as an actor.  Most of my auditions are in West Hollywood, Silver Lake, or Burbank.  From where I live it takes me at least an hour in traffic to get there even though each of those locations are at most 15 miles from where I live.  I am not thinking of moving any time soon, I like my location too much and I like living with Jen too much to change.  It has been an eye opener with all the driving I have been doing in the last two weeks when I have to pay $50 for gas every 5 days when I am used to paying it every two weeks or more.  So...that is why accessibility has been on my mind.

My disappointment over the class has now turned into a jittery energy.  My heart is beating wildly and I have a lot of energy.  I want to dance to get it out!  I think I will and bug my neighbor downstairs that plays his club music with the bass thumping at all times of the night.  Oh boy, I am in a mood!  But I am feeling better!

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Los Angeles Agent Book

Hi Everyone,

I have to talk about this book I bought at Samuel French the other day.  It is titled, The Los Angeles Agent Book by K Callan.  K played Clark Kent's mom, in Lois and Clark and has been in the business for years.  The first 2 chapters are all about when an actor is ready to move out to L.A., what to think about before you do move, after that, she goes into the business of being an actor.  I think this book is fantastic for any actor, you can be in L.A., NYC, or Timbuktu.  The quotes she has from agents, managers and casting directors are full of information, but then she goes into great detail about what to expect as a new actor and how to market yourself.  She presents questions that all of us need to ask, so that we figure out how to market ourselves.  I can't say enough about this book.  If you are an actor, I recommend it highly.

Having read the book, I realize I still have a lot of work to do.  I am definitely not ready to be knocking on agents doors yet, I need to train more.  It is a blow to my ego, because I would love to say that I am "ready" to be a professional actor, but that isn't fully true.  I know as an actor, even though I want to be on television I am not ready to have a starring role.  I don't have the credits yet that have established me as a person agents would pick out of the bunch.  I have been doing this for three years, but not to my full potential, so I have made a promise to myself to work on being an actor full time.  I am going to be happy when I start getting auditions on a regular basis, but that hasn't happened yet, but I plan on getting to that point.

For the past three years, I have used my emotions to make business decisions, that helps to a point.  I also have to be smart about it and most of the time in the past, I have been too lazy to be smart about it.  It was more about me wanting something without waiting for the opportune time.  I was more about forcing events into fruition than letting them happen organically.  Also I noticed that in the past I was always intimidated by agents, managers, actors that worked, but I don't feel that way anymore.  I now see them as people I can learn from and are excited to meet and talk to.  I am going to have lunch with an old classmate of mine who is now a casting director here in Los Angeles next week and I can't wait to ask her question and her opinion on the business, because she is seeing it from a totally different viewpoint now.  Can you tell I am excited?

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Go Giants! Go Driving! Go Pilates! Rah! Rah! Rah!

Hi Everyone,

I am so excited for football season to begin!  I haven't been able to watch my beloved Giants, but any game will do.  I use to hate football when I was a kid, I was more into baseball, but ever since the last baseball strike, I have gravitated more toward football.  The weather in L.A. is similar to the Poconos at this time and so I actually feel ready for football season.  The only thing I have to get used to is watching the game at 10am, that's a little weird.  Right when I am finishing my breakfast, football begins, my brain hasn't computed that craziness yet.

I noticed something today as I was driving to the theatre.  I noticed that driving makes me exhausted.  It could be all the traffic and the mundaneness of it all, but it wipes me out.  I was trying to figure out all week why I was so exhausted.  I thought maybe, it was because this has been the busiest I have been since moving out here, but then today happened.  I slept gloriously sound last night and woke up refreshed.  I then cleaned the house and dusted my room.  I read a play, went to the bank and got my car washed.  And I was fine.  I was pretty pumped actually, I was feeling good about tonight's show.  Then I was in the car for 45 minutes stuck in traffic on a Sunday afternoon at 3:30PM and I couldn't keep my eyes open near the end of the drive.  I couldn't believe it!  So I stuck my head out the window like Ace Ventura doing 15 MPH.  I wonder what the other drivers thought of me on the freeway?

I found out tonight, that Antony is a huge cycling fan just like I am.  He is also a pilates instructor in Santa Monica, so he invited me to his class next Sunday morning for free!  He says LeeAnn Rimes is in his class and I like her abs, so I am going to try it. :)  I am going to make sure I am next to Antony's wife, Jennifer, so that I can watch how to do half the moves.  I did Pilates a few times in Delaware, but I told Antony I prefer yoga because I need to work on my breath work and I find that works for me best.  We will see if he gets me on the Pilates wagon, I will see how my abs feel the next day LOL!

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Saturday, September 11, 2010

It's Always Sunny With Tara

Hi Everyone,

I had a little surprise that made my night.  I got my Season 1&2 of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia in the mail today!  Happy birthday 8 days later, to me!  I am so excited to be able to relive the adventures of Mac, Charlie, Dennis and Dee all over again.  They are so wrong, but so right!  Even though I am exhausted as I type this, I am going to force myself to watch at least one episode.

Tomorrow, I don't have to be at the theatre until 5PM so I am going to hunker down and do some mailings to agents and casting directors.  I am excited for my class with Brad Garrett to begin on Tuesday and I am trying to focus all of my energy on being an actor.  As a human being, for me it is hard to constantly think of how I am going to market myself and figure out how casting directors see me, and many other things.  I have come to realize that I spend way too much energy on thinking about not wanting to be a waitress, so I have turned it around and made my thoughts about wanting to be a working actor.  My friends Bonnie and Valerie will be yelling at their computer screens as they read this last sentence, because they have been telling me this for years.  I wasn't ready to listen or pay attention or do anything about it, until now.  Yipee for me!

This afternoon at work I was exhausted, but as soon as I got in the car to go to the theatre I had a huge stream of energy flow through my body as if I had just had 50 coffees.  The show went a lot smoother tonight than last night, but the audience wasn't as receptive as last night's crowd.

Today it was actually in the low 60's while I was at work and I was freezing.  They make us wear rock T-shirts that are thin and short sleeved.  I convinced the manager to let me take my sweatshirt out of the car, even though it wasn't rock oriented.  The money lately hasn't been great, due to the weather.  I still have a few more plays to read before the company meeting on Wednesday, so I am going to go and watch, It's Always Sunny... and laugh my butt off!

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Learning from the Rough Patches

Hi Everyone,

Tonight was opening night!  I had fun doing the lights.  The whole production was a little shaky in the beginning, but we came back for a great 2nd and 3rd act.  I am sure that tomorrow night is going to be a lot better, since we know what to expect with an audience there.  I didn't do anything drastic or major, but my cue for the intermission could have gone quicker.  C'est la vie.  I had fun though.

The company had a little party afterward, which I hung out at for a bit, meeting new people and introducing myself to company members I had only met that first meeting back in June.  Everyone there is very welcoming and so nice and friendly.  I really can't wait to be part of an ensemble there to put on a show.  We have our company meeting on Wednesday night, which I can actually make this month.  The past two months I haven't been able to attend either because of work or class.  We are going to discuss the 2011 season.  Like I mentioned last night, I am reading plays, that I might throw out there to be produced.  But I am getting ahead of myself.

Today at work, they added 5 more table to the restaurant for the beginning of Oktoberfest (Sept 25th) which adds 100 more customers that we can accomodate.  We got slammed for 2 whole hours at lunch today, but they found out that the kitchen is not big enough to accomodate the 100 extra customers, so we had a few angry customers.  I'm not sure how the people who run the restaurant thought it was a great idea, I believe all they saw was the money and not the logistics of it all, but now they know.  I don't know if they are going to take the tables out or add another kitchen to the restaurant, I wouldn't put it past them.  Oh and for Oktoberfest, we have to be fitted for  authentic sexy Fraulein outfits.  Can you say, "Oh, joy!"  I have a feeling some guy is going to get a knuckle sandwich if they get feisty with Ms. Tara.  I'm just sayin! :)

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Doing It My Way

Hello Everyone,

Today was my day off!  Yay!  I slept in until 9:30am and that was without forcing my head under the covers to block out the sunlight.  I actually slept until 9:30am and it was glorious!  I did a lot today toward my career.  I ordered new business cards with my new phone number, I picked up some new plays to read and classic plays to study at the Samuel French Bookstore and I used my present from my brother to buy the first two seasons of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

When I got out of the Samuel French Bookstore I called my friend Aida, to ask if she wanted to go hiking with me in Griffith Park.  It just so happened that Aida was parking her car to go into the Samuel French Bookstore when I called.  We stood in the street on Sunset Blvd, laughing at the coincidence.  What are the odds?!  And then Aida proclaimed in the middle of the street as we parted, "I love L.A.!"  This is why I love Aida.  She always sees the positive even in difficult situations and has such good energy that it didn't bother me that she couldn't hike with me.  I was glad I got to see her for a minute and hug her.

So I have a new hot spot.  Griffith Park.  I love the trails in the Hollywood Hills that kick my butt every time I go there.  When  Jen and I went a little over a week ago we took the Mt. Hollywood trail which starts in the parking lot of the Griffith Observatory (the famous one from Rebel Without a Cause).  That trail begins with Jen and I moving uphill until we get to the top of the mountain and then it is steep downhill going back.  The trails are sandy and gritty.  On the really steep inclines I have to be careful because it is slippery.  Today I explored the observatory and then took the other trail next to the observatory which starts by going downhill until you get to the bottom of the canyon and then I looped uphill back to the observatory.  A lot of the time downhill I was talking small steps because if I did my regular stride, I would have been running, it is that steep.  The uphill hike was hard and fantastic all at the same time!  I kept saying in my head, "Back straight, knees bent, stomach in and breathe!"  The trail is so steep going back uphill it is easy to bend into the climb and use my back as I walk up the hill.  It was a great workout for 40 minutes.

As soon as I got home I began to read plays that I bought.  First I picked up The Glass Menagerie because I am going to study it and see if it might be feasible to do it as a production at Knightsbridge.  I also picked up Mike O'Malley's, Three Years From "Thirty", Sarah Ruhl's The Vibrator Play and Lee Blessing's, Patient A.  I also picked up Shakespeare's Measure for Measure to study.   Since I have watched the interview with Judi Dench I have begun to really focus on what I love about acting.  I love exploring the character, and discovering what I have in me that makes the character come alive.  I am excited to be giving myself the opportunity to explore characters on my own and then maybe I will be able to learn new things about myself that make me tick as a human.  It is the most important part of being an actor, self knowledge.  Since I have moved to California I feel a shift in me, but I can't really pinpoint what it is that has shifted or changed.  I guess it is me in general, my outlook on myself.

I did notice something today as I was hiking.  In the morning for breakfast, I have a huge meal.  It is a mixed bowl of fruit filled with honeydew, melon, strawberries, raspberries, banana, and grapes.  I also have two pieces of sprouted bread, toasted, with natural peanut butter and strawberry preserves and a bowl of oatmeal.  It is my biggest meal of the day and it gets me through my shift at work.   This afternoon, I didn't get to Griffith Park until 4PM and I hadn't had anything to eat since breakfast at 10am.  Of course it did take me an hour to finish it, but still.  I was sure I was going to be starving after my hike, but I wasn't.  I had brought my water bottle and had been drinking all day from it and refilling it.  When I finally got home at 6PM I sat down and ate a very hearty portion of my pea soup and tried one of the raw dips I read about that put banana and avocado together with cinnamon and lemon juice.  It was sweet and tangy and so good with carrots.  Before I changed my diet to be mostly vegan, I would have sworn that just eating what I did for breakfast would not be able to sustain me, energy wise, for the hike I did today, but it did, tenfold.  I really can't believe the energy I have since changing to more organic, raw foods.  I didn't become vegan because of the animals, I became vegan because what I was eating was making me unhappy and bloated and now, I feel happier and lighter in some way.  My bloating is gone and I don't retain water like I used to.  I feel like a new person!  A new person who can hike uphill to all the glorious mountain tops and shout, "I did it, my way!"

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Short and Sweet

Hi Everyone,

This post will be short and sweet because I am beat!  Tomorrow is my only full day off in a long time, so I am looking forward to sleeping in...which means anytime after 7:15am would make me happy.  We had our last rehearsal before the big show on Friday and everything went well.  I am glad!

It has been slow at work this week, just because we have had unseasonably cold weather this week and I don't even know why people decide to eat outside for lunch, but then I remember when I worked in corporate and I would walk around rain or shine for 30 minutes, just so that I could get out of the cubicle.  So never mind.

I really have nothing to talk about, so I am going to close this little post until tomorrow, when I am sure I will have a glorious day of resting!

Until then.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

My Dream Role

Hi Everyone,

So for the past two days, while I was learning the cues for the show, Sarah, the lighting designer was using a walkie talkie to convey new cues to put into the computer while I was also trying to cue the show.  It made me stressed.  Tonight, Sarah wasn't there, so I got to do the show without any distractions and I am happy to say, that it went so much better.  I still have a kink to work out at the end of Act I, but all the other cues are smoother than they were, BIG TIME!  That makes me feel so much better and calmer about opening night on Friday.

Tonight, was the first night I was able to watch the show from my "tower" as I like to call it.  I really love the show.  I was thinking as I was watching Act II, what roles would I really want to play on stage and the first role was, Laura, in The Glass Menagerie.  I identify with her in so many ways.  Her handicap.  A mother who is strong willed.  A protective brother.  A shy woman among men.  A deeply insecure woman who just want to be heard.  I understand those emotions, circumstances and physicalities, from experience and from my gut.  I am soon going to be too old to play that part, and maybe I am too old now, but I would love to be able to play, Laura.

My schedule has been pretty mundane this week.  I go to work and then go straight to the theatre when I am done and stay there until 11PM or so.  I love being in the theatre.  I don't mind staying there until 11PM or later.  I realize that whenever I have a call time for 6am and I have to get up at 3:30am, I don't mind.  I actually have energy when I get up and am pretty pumped for the rest of the shoot.  I know that is what people feel like when they do something they love.  I am very thankful to be a part of the Knightsbridge Theatre, they have been very welcoming and so nice and I hope to be a part  of a show as a cast member soon.  I will keep you posted if they do a version of The Glass Menagerie.

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Monday, September 6, 2010

There Are Reasons for Obstacles

Hi Everyone,

Today was my 2nd official night of being on my own doing light and sound and it was rough.  I am a Virgo, so I like things to work right away, perfect, with no hassle, but of course that never happens and then I get stressed.  So I have two more rehearsals before opening night and my back is telling me to stop stressing out!  I can't help it.  I don't ever want to have to do light tech a week before the show opens.  If I was to do tech again, I would want to come to rehearsals for at least two weeks, just so that I can learn the board and know what the heck I am pressing and why.

I am crossing my fingers for tomorrow, because I seriously don't think I have it in my brain stem to move at the speed they want me to move at to do all the cues.  I also don't have the ability to look from the stage, to the lighting board, to the sound board, back to the stage in a half a second.  I know I am complaining over nothing, because I only have maybe 70 cues for the show, which I have been told is very easy.  It isn't very easy for me, so I feel very incompetent at the moment.  Hopefully a miracle will happen tomorrow night and everything will make sense and I will find a rhythm.

Does anyone have pointers for a green lighting tech?  I will take it.  I am just an actor! LOL!

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara

Sunday, September 5, 2010

New Appreciation for Techies!

Hello Everyone,

Had my first full rehearsal doing tech.  It's going to be a doozy.  I have to do sound and lights so at the beginning and end of every act, I have a lot to do in little time.  I hope I get this down.  Everyone was so patient and friendly and they gave me pointers that helped me out.  I hope that tomorrow the notes I took make sense so that I am able to do it as close to the mark as possible.

I now have a new appreciation for tech people.  I was always stage crew: props, costumes, makeup, but never tech.  Now I know why, the pressure is on.  I am really tired, the last few days, I haven't been able to sleep like I have wanted, just because my calendar is so full.  Usually when I am sleep deprived I get cranky, I have noticed that I am not that cranky, I am just tired.  I wonder if it is because of being vegan.  The die hard vegans that do it for the animals, swear that the pain and misery that the animals go through in their life is transferred to us when we ingest the meat.  I personally think it is because I am eating non-processed food and have taken whites out of my diet.  I try not to eat any white sugar, flour, rice or pasta.  I feel better mentally, my thoughts are clearer, my moods are brighter and if I should become angry or sad, it lasts for a lot less than in the past.  I don't have to talk to myself to get myself out of bad moods.  I just go through them and then they are over.  It is very nice.  It is also a little weird.    I have never had this happen to me as a person before, where I feel so clear, or maybe it is lighter, or both, but I do.

Now I have to make time to be more active.  I was thinking of joining a gym, but that just seems like a waste of money when I can walk around my block, and buy weights to train with, so that is what I am going to do.  I already have a resistance band, and I would like to have a ball for more ab work.  Anyone have any equipment they swear by in their workouts?

Until tomorrow.  Take care and be safe.

All my love,

Tara