Thursday, February 18, 2016

Baby Steps

Hi Everyone,

I have been on a mission the last 3 weeks to walk 10,000 steps a day because I found out I gained 20 pounds since moving back to the East Coast.  When I heard the number at the doctor's office, my first reaction was "Oh, hell no!"  The nurses teased me and one of them said with snark "Oh yeah, I'm  sure you used to be 120 pounds."  I sternly answered back, "No, I wasn't but I took care of myself better and now I have to get back to that, because this is not acceptable to me."   In that moment, there was a shift in me that resonated, that made me think 'this must be the emotion people feel when they go on a quest."

The emotion I felt was so strong and seemed to bubble from within me with a fire I was not willing to extinguish that the only option was to fulfill it.  This wasn't the first time I have felt this emotion.  The last time was when I was accepted to acting school.  It was as if  something was literally grabbing me by my gut and pulling me to do it without thought for ifs, ands and buts.

Each time I am pulled to fulfill what I call "a mission" I am confronted with some of the same lessons over  and over.  I am still trying to find employment in the entertainment business in the Philly area, and I have had some great leads.   In the meantime, I am grateful I have this time to cultivate and strengthen relationships that suffered while I was fulfilling my dream.  I am grateful I am present  in their lives and they in mine.  I think about if I was still in Los Angeles, I would miss out on so much that has happened in the past 5 months that has meant  the world to me.  I am confronted everyday with minutiae events that bring me a myriad of emotion because I am interacting with the people I care about the most on a daily basis.

My friends and family are in constant contact with me now, which wasn't the case when I lived out West.  I would get a text here or there, a phone call once a week or twice a month and sometimes it was only for 5 minutes at a time due to the time difference and life.  I am growing as a person everyday because since the close proximity and the strength of my friends, they hold me accountable for the person I say I want to be and the actions that I am putting forth to make it possible and vice versa.  I am definitely aware of actions I can take to rise above the flaws of my anger, the words I use to describe myself and my surroundings and to be nice to myself.

I used to run from these experiences because in my young mind I had to do it perfectly and if it wasn't, then I failed.  Now, I know that I need to move one step at a time with purpose in the general direction of my intention.  I may stray outside the lines and color the sky pink when I am told by society that it should be blue and it is okay as long as it makes me happy and keeps me motivated.  I lost sight of the person I wanted to be for a bit as I acclimated myself back into everyone's life.   Bonnie asked me recently, "Do you define yourself as a Casting Assistant?"  I thought about it and replied, "No, I define myself as a Friend."  Wow.  I've been looking in the wrong direction for employment.  Now, I must figure out how best I can put my strengths to use and move toward my intention to fulfill my purpose here on earth.

First step out the door to 10,000 and many more.  Here I go.

With all my love, be safe and take care.


Monday, January 25, 2016

You Spin Me Right Round

 Hi Everyone,

     These past few days I have been contemplating what to write.  I start out with a few paragraphs and then I delete them because I just hear rambling.  Rambling is currently my state of living.  Rambling here, rambling there, moving here, moving there without any sort of direction.  My heart isn't in any of it and I move so that I get out of this whirlpool I have created at some point.  It is temporary I know.  I still feel like my heart is in my stomach and that my senses are discombobulated, like when you ride a roller coaster for the first time.

     I've  had some really awesome things happen recently.  I got to see my name on the movie screen when I went to watch THE REVENANT the other week.  I've met new people, I've hung out with friends, I've began my blog again, which made me realize this is one of the first times I have made the conscious choice to come back to places, people and activities I had in my life in the past.  I don't like repeating myself, but this time I am.  The whirlpool is making sense now.

     The whirlpool isn't spinning crazy or out of control, it is like a nice leisurely spin in the teacups at Disney World if you don't spin the wheel.  I am getting dizzy though and my thoughts are a little fuzzy with disorientation.  I feel like I have so many choices at my disposal, that it is too many.  Is that normal?  Am I being too dramatic?  Am I being too general in my needs?  Do I have the words to explain what I need to do?

     I can feel myself getting comfortable in this whirlpool of possibilities which is not an option because then I am only eating my own tail over and over.  I should look for a rock to hold onto so that I can climb out of this metaphorical whirlpool, maybe then I will feel as if I can project what I want downstream.  I keep writing because that is what I know what do.  It has always been my go to activity to get me from one point to another.  It's the rock I always cling to, to ramble away my anxiety and see clearly ahead.

Take care and be safe.
All my love,

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Soul Talking

Hi Everyone,

I hear a drumming in my ears that makes me feel the energy around me.  My body is alive.  My nose smells an acute smell of unidentifiable origins.  My body feels as if it is smeared with Ben-Gay, because all I feel is tingly.

I have been on a search for something.  What it is, I don't know.  I walk, sometimes I run, but most of the time, I lay still.  I go through my day and night without any thought, but when I am asleep I travel to worlds unimaginable to my naked eye.  I know things that aren't possible in the world I live in.  I am propelled through mazes and riddles with a keen sense of awareness.  I long for the one answer that alludes me in both worlds.  Peace.

My knowledge is useful.  My manners are polite.  My body is breaking down slowly and I repair it with a sort of metaphorical duct tape.  I am surrounded by family and friends and it isn't enough.  Something is missing, a sense of peace is hiding away somewhere I do not know.  I long for it.
As I grow older, I become more anxious for the answer.  My thoughts are more cryptic and soulless.  I have lost my light.  It is has if I am a dim switch on a dining room wall, that gradually gets lowered, and I wonder when the day will come that I am turned off.  I long for the days when things were hopeful and exciting.  My dreams get me back to that place.  Those are the times I feel I am closest to finding the answer I seek.  We are so close, as children, to the truth of life that we have to lose it to remember it.  By the time, we do, 80 years have passed.  There is a poetry to that.  A simple beautiful poetry.  Or a infuriating, awful lie.  I choose to believe the simple, beautiful truth, for the sake of my soul.

Take care and be safe.
All my love,

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Welcome Home

Hi Everyone,

As some of you know I moved back East to the Philadelphia area to be closer to friends and family.  I've decided to re-start this blog because I realized I truly missed it and it brought me fulfillment.  Plus, two good friends mentioned it within 24 hours of each other, which makes me think that the Universe is guiding me to do it.

My life in Southern California was wonderful, with many opportunities I never imagined for myself coming to fruition.  I had moved to California to pursue my dream of being a television actor and on my journey I became a Casting Assistant for Film and Television.  It brought me to many different locations, meeting interesting, amazing people and working in the industry I always dreamed of, but I felt very lonely.   The ache of not being around the people who had always been there for me was something I couldn't have fathomed before the move.

I was sure that the pursuit of my dream would fulfill the hole I had in my heart and it did for a while.   I was part of the Knightsbridge Theatre where I met some of the funniest, hard working people in the industry.  I was going on auditions at least once a month which was a win for me.  Then I received  the serendipitous opportunity to work in Casting. I enjoyed being in Casting and I was good at it, but over time the hours and big projects kept me from taking auditions.  I also wasn't good at budgeting my time so that I could talk to all my family and friends out East.  My thoughts became very self absorbed, angry and unhappy.  How could that be?  I was living the dream, right?  Yes.  Yes I was.  It wasn't enough.

I yearned to be around my brother and sister, hanging out like we do.  I yearned to live close enough to Tim, Caitlin, Jason and Megan so that we could drive to each other.   I yearned to see Bonnie.  I yearned to see her daughter Jolee grow up.  I yearned to go out on the town in NYC with Kimmie and Jen eating our fill of delicious food and going to a show.  I yearned for the camaraderie of hanging out with my college besties Heather and Annie, laughing and talking.  I yearned for tea time with Valerie.  I yearned for homemade dessert with Barb and Jim.  I yearned most of all for the comfort and love that I get from all of them.  I didn't make the decision lightly, because I felt guilty leaving my Mom, Dad, Aunt, cousins, friends and colleagues I had grown close to while living there because they brought me such joy, laughter, aggravation and most of all love.

I have been back for 4 months now and I am trying to find my feet in this market.  The opportunities for entertainment jobs aren't as fruitful as NY or L.A., but they are here.  I am slowly meeting more and more people here and trying to figure out where I belong.  As I move through the uncertainty I have a phenomenally strong circle of friends that I see regularly and keep me sane.  This has been the best transition so far, because I literally feel as if my heart is singing.  I am surrounded with so much love and humor I feel very grateful for my life, because I truly feel I am home. 

Friday, September 18, 2015

Walking the Yellow Brick Road

Hey Everyone,

It has been over two years since I posted on this blog and it is crazy on how time flies when you aren't really paying attention.  I have lived in California for almost 6 years now, and truly made a home for myself here.  An actual place of living I always looked forward to coming home to.  I am a little embarrassed to say I never gave myself  the opportunity before to "be at home".  I was always looking outside myself for comfort, validation and happiness.

In about 10 days, I am making the move back to the East Coast and I am excited and nervous.  For a nano-second old memories of who I was then resurface and make me question the move.  My old habits of thinking that the only jobs available to me are ones that suck my soul, grab at my heart and then I hear myself say, "That's not true"and I know that I have changed. 

I have met really great souls in California, first, Wan-Jen, then, Rickie and Megan and their awesome dogs, Bo and Bailey.  I have reconnected with my Aunt and my cousins who I only knew in passing and now I truly would do anything for them,  if they asked.  As I pack and donate things waves of emotion and memory flow through me.  It has been a glorious journey.

I visualize my life back East and it is filled with more love and connection than I ever gave it credit for.  I know that my life in California was to fully grasp and understand that no matter where I live, I am loved, cared for and rooted for and vice versa.  It took me almost 40 years to realize that I thrive on camaraderie, closeness to the ones I love and creativity.

My life here on the West Coast has been filled with creativity, camaraderie and closeness to the ones I love and leaving here is bittersweet, but I know I have people to come back to and that makes me happy.  Going back East, also makes me happy because that is my home in my heart, where I truly feel understood and accepted.  I don't know where the road is leading me, but I am excited and grateful that I get to keep walking the trail.  It truly feels as  if I am walking the Yellow Brick Road  with my trusty friends and companions and that makes me smile, because at the end of the day, "There is no place like home."

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Earth Angels

Hi Everyone,

The circle of life has become strongly evident in the past 3 days and it is reminding me of how short life is.  I have never been afraid of death.  I actually look forward to it, in a excited, don't know what to expect, but it must be awesome, kind of way.  Since I was a child, I've identified with angels and guardian angels.  It gives me a sense of peace knowing I have these celestial beings looking out for me.

I have had this story in my head for the past six months, that I began writing down, but then stopped out of fear of manifesting something I am not ready to deal with yet, in real life.  I realize as I am writing, that I am trying to convey how much I love my family.  I want to have something tangible that all of them can see and hold in their hands.  I want them to be proud of me.  No, that isn't true, I know they are proud of me.  I want them to know I am proud of them.  That the little nuclear family of five I am a part of, makes me so happy.  One of my favorite memories, growing up was when all five of us sat in the den and read parts of the Sunday paper together.  Some mornings, all one heard was the turning of newspaper pages, or Dad sipping his coffee, or one of us rocking in the swivel chair.  Other times, one would hear a discussion on articles we read, or a comic we laughed at, or what we planned on doing that day.

These past few days I have had co-workers and friends have parents pass, or their spouse suffer a stroke, or someone is in an accident and I am reminded that each day I wake up, is a miracle.  I've been very emotional over how fortunate I have been in my life and I am very grateful.  I always wonder how I got to this point.  What happened in my life to get me to this moment in my life?  What choices have  I made to be the person I am today?  It all begins with my family.

I will always be grateful to my Mom for teaching me to read, giving me a diary when I was 7 and teaching me to try everything.  I will always be grateful to my Dad for making me laugh, introducing me to the joys of movies and television, and the importance of silence.  I will always be grateful to my brother for his easiness with people, for always pushing me when I am about to quit and teaching me the truth of "if there is a will, there is a way".  I am grateful to my sister for teaching me the importance of an open heart, the strength in showing your feelings and her loyalty to her family.  I am very grateful to all of them for giving me the independence to travel the world and make my decisions and mistakes on my own.  Every time I have travelled on my own, the first thing out of my mouth to someone, is a story of my family.  They are always in my heart, even when it seems I am running away from them to go on my adventures.

My words are getting stuck and I am at a loss for words on what they mean to me and how proud I am of them.  My family is what I always come back to, they are me and I am them.  They are my angels, here on Earth, and I am so grateful!

Friday, January 4, 2013

Paying It Forward

Hi Everyone,

Yesterday, I saw a fantastic status on my Facebook from a friend that said the first 5 people to comment on her status would get a surprise gift from her in the year 2013.  I didn't make it in time, but I liked the idea so much, that I copied it.  As some of you know I work in customer service for a psychic company.  I initially took the job for the health benefits and then I was going to move on, but that is easier said than done.  Unfortunately, life hasn't gone as smoothly as I pictured in my head.  So, with the continuation of a job I don't care for, I am again repeating a lesson that I guess I haven't learned over the years.  When I feel like I am trapped, I turn off.  I become angry and unhappy and just plain miserable.  I told myself when I became aware of my thoughts going back to anger and unhappiness, I was going to do everything in my power to do the opposite.

I will say, that I am doing better than I did in past jobs, but my negative thoughts are getting in the way of me giving a crap about others and myself.  I have stopped eating.  I have stopped keeping my room the way I like it.  I have stopped writing.  I have stopped creating every day.  So to nip this self destruction in the bud, I am sitting down and making myself write.  I am making myself organize.  I am making myself do something for others.  It feels phenomenal!!!!

I am still curt and frank with the customers at work.  I realize others don't like the gruffness of honesty which I appreciate.  I love when people get to the point and ask what they want.  I love when people take responsibility for their part in their life.  That is what I am trying to do.  Take responsibility, do things that are positive, and be honest with myself.  It is not an easy road, but it is moving forward.  The  best way to move forward is to pay it forward and I haven't been this excited to do something for others, since getting in the Peace Corps.

As I get older, I realize, it really is about the small things.  It is about reaching out and knowing you have a connection with someone.  Yesterday, at work I tried to connect with the customers.  It worked for some and others it failed miserably, but today is a new day.  If I am going to learn this lesson of finding the silver lining within any circumstance I have to be aware that every day is a new opportunity.    A new opportunity to be the person I always imagined.  A new opportunity to give myself a chance.  A new opportunity to learn.  A new opportunity to be a better person than I was yesterday.  By paying it forward I am giving myself the opportunity to have a connection, which is what all of us want in the end, to know we are being heard.